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"Being in love is like ripping pages out of a book."

This was probably the most memorable quote from my one of my old colleagues at Ted Baker, Karen. Before you form any judgments on Karen, all I'm going to say is she's Asian. Anyways, I have taken this quote to heart. Every romantic experience I've had since, I had realised I want to give the next person less because eventually what you end up dealing with is a whole lot of disappointment and despair. 

I've decided to come back to this blog to update the world on my relationships with people around me. Again alot has changed, however, my state probably hasn't changed that much. Sorry, that would be a lie. I have a good job now, getting wrinkles all over my face, becoming a full-time cripple and transformed from an extrovert to introvert. Work and old age have definitely mellowed me out and made me more fragile, but, at the same time, I came across alot of people and learnt to prioritise the people around me.

Before I was a strong believer of being genuine and conduct myself which most reflect my true self with everyone I associate with. These days I've learnt to put a mask on. I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Kind to most. Unknown to a lot. Slowly, I began to wonder what am I to myself? 

This has been one of the hardest question to answer with your mind, however, with the way I act, it is quite simple. Despite being someone who doesn't associate himself with any form of faith, I am a big believer of Karma. I treat others the way I do because I want others to treat myself the same way. A pretty big expectation of others I know, however, that is what makes me appreciate the things I do more. 

One of the most touching stories I've heard was from a tutor back in primary. I believe this was during Chinese School cause I still have vague memory of how the story went in Chinese. I will try to make the story brief however it will definitely lose its impact by doing so.

My tutor first arrived to Australia in the early 2000s, at that time, seeing an asian was a novelty. Novelty wasn't probably the best way to describe the relationship between white and asian people. Back then, white people were much more racists towards Asian there wasn't much of an appreciation for the people, the food, the culture and the talent compared to the present. My tutor was travelling through Australia by car and, given his terrible luck, his car failed him as it ran out of fuel. The nearest petrol station would have been very far away and he did say he tried to push the car forward for a couple hours before a car came by. So a car came by and stop, a white couple asked him if he needed any help. He explained that his car has ran out of fuel and his plan was to wheel the car to the nearest petrol station. The couple left him and, about an hour later, the car returned to deliver some petrol for the car in a container. My tutor did not expect them to come back and, when they did, he was overjoyed and was grateful. Being a chinese, the gesture to thank someone has always been someting to do with money. He tried to hand over some money to the white couple and was politely declined. White people really did hate monetary gifts as a form of gratitude. Ironically, it makes the kindness and service feel cheap as you are objectifying the experience.

 My tutor asked. "How can I repay you?" Funny enough, the closest translation to the chinese equivalent of returning that thankful gratitude also have something to do with money.

The couple said. "We helped you because we saw you are in troube and in despair. We didn't help you because we wanted you to repay us in anyway. The only form of gratitude we want is someday if we ever ran into trouble in your country. We hope that someone can help us out like we helped you today,"

My tutor recounted that to us in tears and, as a twelvie, I also bursted into tears. It was one of the most memorable stories in my life and I began to value the belief that being kind to others encourage others to be kind to that.

Thus, this explains how I treat girls with my heart and sincerity. I've had some scumbag moments previously, however, when I was serious, I really considered that the way I treated those girls was equivalent to giving them the world. Unfortunately, in this current society, kindness and niceness ain't really treasured or rewarded in a relationship. Being kind and nice is boring, people like the game. People like the thrill, people like trouble. Because of this, I have been ripping pages and pages out of my book. 

Now I'm on my last page. I feel like I've started to rip small corners off that page. Little by little. I scribble someone's name and I rip it out. I write the date and I rip it out. 

The end for a beginning

 Hi all, 

It has been a very long time since I've came back to this. Initially, I made this blog page because I wanted to document my life at university. As you guys can see, that didn't really happen, and it is quite ironic how I am revisiting this page at the end of my university life. I lost commitment and I lost interest. There had been moments during those 5 years, where I wanted to write something about my life and the way I feel. I made new blog pages, new website. However, I never really wanted to do that for my own sake. I wanted to write so that I can become famous, and I can be inspiring for others. I came back here hoping to inspire others but I'm also doing it to express who I am, and this time I've decided to put more effort into it. I was going to delete all my previous posts and start afresh, but in the end, I've decided to keep them as they are inherently a part of myself and reflect on who I am back then. 

I admit that I have changed in some way and, of course, with life, there will always be good changes and bad changes. Instead of naming those changes, I would like to demonstrate them slowly through each and every one of my stories. Instead of just telling you guys who I want to be and who I think I am, I want you all to get to know me through what I've done, how I live, how I think and how I feel. I hope you all will have an enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to you guys revisiting my stories every now and then.

 Today, I would like to talk about something that happened since yesterday. Last night, my workplace, Ted Baker, decided to have a group meeting where we discuss about our lives and look after each other for R U OK day. It was a really light-hearted meeting, we talked about the little things that guided us through COVID-19 and played games to build our relationship. There was a game that really enlightened me, it was called "We're just friends". It is a game where prompts are set up and each person will be asked some sensitive, deep, or meaningful questions. If anyone is interested, then you will find it through this link: https://werejustfriends.online/. 

A question that really got to me last night was "Have you ever told someone I love you but didn't mean it? If so, why?'. As soon as I saw this question, I had an answer in my head. Unlike most people, this wasn't really about any romantic partners I had in the past. For me, this was about my mother. My mother left me at a very young stage and, from what I remember, she didn't really treat me well. As I was growing up, she did try to amend our relationship by looking out for me, caring for me and asking me to hang out. I really appreciate her for doing that and I also try my best to do as many things as I can with her. Often, my mom would tell me "I love you" in Chinese. In the beginning, I didn't really know how to handle it and I pretended I didn't hear it and moved forward with our conversations. As I grew up, I've learnt how hard it is for my mother and how she probably feels guilty about not being a part of my upbringing. I was aware of it, and I started to actively say "I love you" to her. For me this was probably the hardest words I've said because I felt very guilty about it, however, I wanted to give my mother validation of her efforts and fulfil my duties as a child. 

My workmates were shocked by my response, but they were being accommodating by not diving too deep into the story. Sensibly enough, Erica asked me how I understood the feeling of love. This was a relatively hard question for me because I haven't felt much love when I was growing up. There was never any woman growing up with me as my household was surrounded by men, and, as you would expect, men don't really know how to express their emotions. I wouldn't dare say that I wasn't loved but I never really felt it. My definition of love is "the willingness to care and commit unconditionally". I explained why I can't love my mother is because I can't commit unconditionally. I've tried to do it before, but no matter how hard I try, I felt that there was a voice in my head that reminds me that she never considered me during her divorcement. This voice could also be subjected to the brainwashing my dad did when I was growing up, but I am going to save that for another day. 

After the meeting, I did do some research about what love is. Google said that "Love is a set of emotions and behaviours characterised by intimacy, passion, and commitment." To some extent, I would agree. It is such an intense emotion that makes you want to care, protect, trust, commit, sacrifice, and feel for someone. I think the most important thing is that you are doing this for someone, and you are willing to put yourself behind these priorities. 

As important as the act of loving someone, I think it is also very important that we should let them know that they are loved, especially for kids and your partner. This isn't limited to the feeling of love, I think we should also ask people how they feel. Many people are not willing to express their emotions because they think they lose a part of themselves. However, what they should realise is that, in the process of exchanging emotions,  the void from expressing their feelings is made up by the attention from the people they care about. This is idea behind R U OK day,  we should look out for people who we care about and also people who care about us. We should also be doing this everyday in the future. Anyways, that is all I like to say for today as I have other responsibilities that I need to fulfil. Thank you for taking your time and hope you have a happy and easy-going life.

PS This post was dated in 2021.

I rejected him but i still want him close

He just finished work and i messaged him to agree upon a location to meet. I made sure I was early this time, because last time, i felt as though he had his guard up and i definitely did not want to slide on his bad scale. I'm quite sure he was bitter have been rejected last month and this was perhaps the first time I will be properly eating with him. Last time, I unconsciously abandoned him, even though we only conversed through the phone, I felt a menace that penetrated through his sigh. He tried to sneak behind me, but for the first time, I made sure I was the first one to surprise him first. He was easily distinguished from others, walked with an air of flair whilst suited up in a business attire on a busy weekend. I turned around with my phone catching every detail as I rejoiced happy birthday and handed him the flowers. He looked stunned and so I explained how the flower was only a gift from another party that was held on the same day. He laughed it off gratefully and played along by acting as a gentlemen. He gently removed the flower from my hands and caressed it in his arms. I looked for a diversion as I was noticing too much and insisted the need to go toilet. The toilet got extended to a little walk to a 5-star hotel toilet.

"Living it luxurious," he whispered under his breath, I dont think he expected a reply and I did not give him one. 

We laughed and we talked as we walked. For I was the one who rejected him, I started to feel as though the situation turned more like a date compared to before. I watched as everyone giggled at us as they saw him holding the bouquet. He laughed and pointed how we stop out a lot and I agreed pleasantly. By the time, we arrived at our restaurant, we became accustomised to those gazes and we never mentioned it again. 

The waiter guided as to our tables and offered to look after the bouquet and his jacket. Neither of us have any preference for the food so he suggested a recommendation from the waiter. We ordered our meal and it was quite pricey that I made a remark about the expensiveness but he only replied with a smirk and a hidden glare. The food was quite nice but it wasnt outstanding, there was definitely places with better food. He said that he never judged a restaurant just by the food, but by the entirety of the restaurant. He spoke with gust about how money are spent on the service in European cultures and he yearns for a sense of prestige and attention. We talked and talked and the conversation turned to deeper themes about my religion and family and his family and his belief in religion. He chose his words carefully, despite trying to bring down Christianity. We were quite content with our main and it went extremely well with the wine. I finally saw how the wine befitted the setting and the food and the overall mood of the dinner.

We walked again to digest the food. The setting of the walk was the harbour and we did take a few photos of the setting. We arrived at the Opera Bar and spoke to each other for a bit more. The conversation was alot drier and I could feel that he wasnt with me anymore, but there was nothing I could or would do to start a conversation. He wore a more serious face and it was filled with darkness. He looked up in the sky and whispered" If there was a firework, would it be prettier if we looked at it from below or from the side?" I didnt reply to him, but he didnt seem to mind the silence. We finished up quickly and as we walked half way, i mentioned how we forgot the flowers but insisted me to stay here. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around before running back to the bar. He came back a while later with a little puff, but at least the gloom on his face disappeared. We continued on walking, he didnt insist on staying for a little longer, instead he bid me goodbye and hoped that I slept well, before he went of to meet with his friends. The meeting didn't seem planned,  but perhaps he became tired of my presence. The night ended and I no longer know what is happening.

trying so hard not to try so hard

Today is perhaps the kind of day where I'll be needing another "sad song" on repeat. Let me start with how the day unfolded. I woke up to a 7:09am's simple message of 'Sorry m8 i was asleep haha'. The timing was perfect, the message arrived as I was looking out for the time. I replied back quickly and i asked if i should call her now. She said "so earlyyy" and I went ahead and called regardless.
Anyways, there probably not many guys in the world who performs a 7:13 am confession and there's probably just one retard who will do that and that is me. I asked her out on a date and I got rejected. She said no nicely, but wanted to stay as friends and still wants to hang out. I didnt know how i feel about that and I just asked her if she wanted to come to my birthday dinner next week and I dont remember exactly what her reply was. Maybe she answered it and i forgot or maybe she didnt answer it at all. Regardless, I've invited her to the dinner and I'm expecting questions about it tomorrow and I have to answer it with a smile of my face and laugh that could dissolve the situation. But it bothered me less than I forgot.
I guess what really got to me lately is the organisation of the party. I do know what everyone has to make me feel like the bad guy because i didnt invite A. Everyone is saying " it will make the group awkward" and i acknowledge that but the way people but is as if they are apportioning blame on to me. For me, the group has ended long ago and I have no attachment to the idea of group as much as much. I once did, but everything changed. Everything changed because everyone became selfish and I have also became selfish. Some started off selfish, some turned selfish. Regardless, what i wanted to say about t to r is "I may have been t's close friend back in the days, but things have changed." We are both at fault for what happened, but this is what i have to say to r. "I am your close friend. Not T's. So don't expect me to cater his feelings for everything. I dont have ill will against him but i wont go as far as making him one of my priority."
And people stop expecting too much from me. Im having a hard time at trying so hard not to try so hard.

A ride home where I kinda understood myself

Today, I came to an understanding of how I wanted my relationships to proceed and why I have always wanted to be in a relationship. It has been a rough day, but I am not here to complain about lonely I’ve been feeling but instead I am here to shed light in how I view and treasure relationships.

I shall begin talking about the mannerism in trying to “get a girl”. I like to think of it as a way of lighting a candle which is quite reflective of the pleasure I find in watching things burn. The way I like to make someone fall for me is like a gradual process of dosing them with kindness and warmth. I word it as though it is a form of poisoning and drugging for now but love in itself is a drug. I like to bear a slight warm presence next to people and make them appreciate this kind of existence is not confronting and comfortable, hopefully they appreciate it. The effect it bears is similar to a candle: you light up in the dark, at first you wonder how strange and inefficient the light can be, but gradually you’ll get used to the flickers and find the subtle warm and comfort it gives off. However, it definitely hasn’t worked well at least not on ahry not on Terri and not on Yiwen. As for Linna, I did let go of my own dignity somewhere along the line. I like it this way because I don’t have a strong character, I like to sit in the neutral zone and I like harmony.....

In one way, that may sound really insecure, but lately I am willing to admit that I am perhaps quite insecure. I definitely won’t let my insecurity affect other people. I like to set boundaries, I won’t let my own personal problems intrude other people’s life. I just don’t want to die alone I guess or more like be buried alone. In the end, all this comes down to the sense of belonging. I crave that feeling where you enter a room and you know that there is your spot next to a certain person all this time, instead of coming in and look for an empty seat and fill in the blanks. This feeling became more apparently at Paul’s birthday where we went to a buffet and I originally had a spot across Landy, but Simon and Daniel sat down and, after getting my first platter of food, I’ve been pushed all the way to the other side of the table. Truly the stuff guys do for a girl I probably did something like that as well but I’m moving on, because I know something for certain I will definitely not be able to get that from Ahry. Perhaps all this time Julia has been right. Shes just a cute girl and I am only attracted to her physical appearance. I feel like even after a whole year, I know very little about her. But is it really my fault? Every time I try to provide some kind of warmth, a cold pot of water will be poured over to deny the ignition. Its been like that for awhile.

Also, I think I’m currently rebounding on Hillary, but I have an urge in me that’s motivating me to ask her out on a date instead of proceeding in my candle manner. It might be out of anger. It might be out of despair. Who knows and who cares. I’ve decided to stop messaging Ahry, after last night, I understood that this is how far I can go with ahry. I won’t be able to learn more about her, she isn’t going to open up to me and we don’t see things the same way.

Late post dated 2nd March 2018

Every single person can be related to you via 7 degrees of mutual. That statement has been Paul's catch phrase every since the korea trip and in all honesty I don't particularly like that saying. It gives me a sense of confinement and highlights how small this world can be and how everyone can be related to each other. My detest for large groups slowly got worse during the korea trip as well. It isn't that I don't like the people I hang out with, but it is when a large group is formed, there tend to be a competition of some sort. It could be a competition of ideas, a competition of passion or a competition of lifestyle. In a way, it puts me in a grounding where I have to compete within the group or else my own presence is dulled. But regardless I have never been able to shine in big groups and that is precisely why I don't like it. I lack passion, I lack interests and I lack motivation. 

Currently, my own group has began to intertwine with many others. It started with Julia and Simon and now followed Adrian's and Daniels group. Honestly, I don't mind all these people if I were to hang out with them once in a way, but now it seems more like we are doing everything together and that upsets me. There was a few incidents that got to me when we were hanging out together. In korea, on the first night when we met up with them, paul mentioned soemthing that happened without our own airbnb and I got instantly angry. Like why. I already hate large groups and people start exposing stuff. I got so angry to the point that I took my glasses off and negated all of their existences for a solid hour. Yesterday was triggering as well. I don't mention I'm with any girls with ahry and they bring up some random shit like "didn't you not go to the roadtrip just to have a date with Ji hyun".  It annoyed me a little, given that there’s is turbulence between Daniel, Simon and I. I’m slowly backing out despite desperately convincing myself that i want her. But then I’m just a lil Bitch.

Decisions in indecisions

The korea trip has made me realise quite a few things. One of the most significant thing that happened was me- I have broken one of my codes, my disciplines and made out with a girl. It was quite funny, unexpected and unacceptable at the same time. Although memories were blurry, I do kind of remember the events that led up it. 

It was dark and it was dizzy, I was at the point of intoxication where I want to be left alone and not be disturbed. Having a table at club is quite a splendid idea, I was pleased by having a spot and enjoyed the hallucinating sensation within the murkiness of the club. There was a white shadow that swayed from left to right and remained in front of me for a while. I took note and i took note again as it swayed. Once, twice, three and four times…. I lost count and i walked up, tapped her on the shoulder and gestured her to follow me.

She smiled and grabbed me by my hands. Funny how i wasn’t the one who held her hand first. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she smiled. We drank, we exchanged conversation on notes and i found pleasure after hearing her name was Jihyun. We danced and then we made out.

I don’t remember how it felt but nonetheless it was my first kiss. Unfortunately, it was quite regretful for being my first kiss but what is done is done. 

Now i come to tell you as to why I kissed her. I present an evidence from that night. It was meant to be secret, but this blog is one of my secrets.

“ What are the chances between us 

It's slim but then I start to think about the the jihyun in very beginning and the. I think about the jihyun that is now

And there it is the thought ahry comes to run down the waterfall

Steeply

But smoothly 

We all know what it's our …..”

When I was drunk that night, I composed this poem. It is incomplete and up until now I still wonder what finished this poem. Our what? Why didn’t I finish it? What was I trying to say? In the hours of being hangover, I thought about that night lie between the possibility of my feelings for my idealistic form of romance and my despair. I sounded desperate perhaps. But it became clear to me that I might’ve kissed her because her name was Jihyun. But that would mean I might have feelings for Jihyun. I don’t know what I wanted to achieve out of this but Im sure that Im at a crisis where I have two people I like. I still wanted it to be Ahry. But Ahry and I haven’t been working out, although lately, ahry suspiciously started messaging me more. Perhaps its a sign that we are more natural with each other, but I’m being cautious. I have to figure out what i want wiht jihyun and if i found an answer. Im going for it and putting my friendship at risk.

From hands to eyes

It has been awhile since I mention Ahry on this. For your information, we still talk. A lot of people have commented on how I still talk to her. Some say it is more than sufficient, echoing in my ears would be the very question "are you expecting more?". At first I didn't seem like a problem, but just yesterday it started to get to me.

I had brunch with Ahry alone for the first time since Yumcha. I would consider this was the first time we came out to eat together out of friendship or whatever. Yumcha was more of a reparation for the accident at Porter, despite how optimistic I was, I did come to that conclusion. Brunch was going fine, we talked, we exchanged eye contact, we are, we laughed. It was quite fine and she smiled a lot and they were brilliant smiles. I teased her like I used to and there was that. Hemi and her mate coincidentally ate on the table next to us. I don't think they thought much about ahry and I, like they probably did assume stuff but why wouldn't them? Anyways, that was brunch and it was perfectly fine. I teased her like how I did after I started to get over her.

I thought everything was fine as it would seem.

I would also like to add that lately I got closer with landy through Skype study. For those who don't know, landy and ahry are what they call bff, people who tell each other everything share everything. I sometimes joke to her about how I liked ahry and she dont seemed that bothered by it.

Last night's conversation with Landy took a different turn. She told me things that I should've known or seen with my own eyes, but she told me in the end. I was quite disappointed in my own behaviour and I knew straightaway I should've done better or should be doing better. At that moment, a burn resided in my body to remind me how little I knew about Ahry and what have I been looking at for the past few months.

What I have also accepted is that I may have like Ahry simply based on appearance before. She is a cute girl and a very cute one and perhaps that's why I was overjoyed when she took my hand at Porter. People would think that my liking is really superficial and shallow. For me, I don't see much problem at the start, you need something to get you started and historically appearance always is the easiest option. What I failed to do is work beyond that, and this notion had kept me awake through the night. After hanging with her for so long, it is a little hopeless of me to understand her a little and look at stuff in her perspective. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't being a dick, like I have been caring but it felt like a paternal care in a way. 

I thought about it endlessly and I know I want to work on it again. It might be crashed again, but I want to work on it again. That cycles never ended in my head and in the background rings Landy's question " do you think ahry ever liked you?"

I thought we've established that she didn't already.

Wreckage

If life is about money, then I'm broke. If life is about love, then I'm broken. If life is about human relationship, then that is also breaking apart. It is quite funny how I'm making myself sound like I'm always going through a mid life crisis. "Mid life crisis for a twenty year old" at least has quite a nice catch to it. I've been making mistakes, mistakes that I shouldn't have made. It should have been quite obvious to never trust strangers. But trusting strangers has been one of my own defence mechanics in making sure I don't get hurt from people I like and people who are my friends. It is ironic how I trust a stranger more than my friends. It is probably because of the anonymousness. The fact that they view with a shallow or no filter makes it rather more pleasant. However, lately that view is shattered, I'm not gonna tell you what I did, cause it was simply too stupid of a mistake to make. I will reassure you it's not what you are probably thinking about, it was probably I'll solve at one part of my life. But yeh not that. Lately it has become self evident that I'm stupid. I shouldn't trust a stranger and I shouldn't trust friends as well. In the end, I probably just have myself. Or will I end up looking at myself with minimal expectation as well?

The Pre

The saga between Ahry and I also came to an end. This time it wasn't as hard I guess but it is quite weird because I still have feelings for her but it doesn't hurt. Anyways, we talked and in the end I said  I want us to be friends". But can guys and girls be friends if they are close? Not really if they are both straight cause "something has to happen". Part of that is what makes life fun because people want "something to happen". Sometimes that something works out for both, sometimes that something ends up hurting someone. Unfortunately for me, something hurts. But before I talk about tht I will go through how I saw this girl called Ahry before I liked her.
The first time I stalked her would probably be during the phase when I liked Yiwen. She popped up in a conversation with Enoch where he said something about I didn't know yiwen is friends with Ahry. But the first encounter was during knockout. I faintly remember her being with us at knockout, not sure whether it was for the whole night though. At that point, I didn't care much about her, I was struggles to not get disheartened by Terri and Cosmo. By the way, they didn't end up dating which I  felt regrettable for some time. Maybe I could've tried harder. I guess the only thing I remember from that time was asking her how she was getting home and she said her sister was going to pick her up. Right now, I can't be certain whether I asked her out of courtesy or not. I don't think I wanted to really take her home. I added her on Facebook the next day, but I didn't talk to her simply because she was only a cute girl and I didn't think I'll ever see her again.
After that, she came say hi when paul yiwen and I were playing pool. Again, I kept my minimal exposure.
On her birthday, February the 10, I believe I didn't know why but I sent her a happy birthday message  and I didn't know why I did it. I rarely write happy birthday on other people's wall and most of the times it's through messages. I can't remember why I sent it, but on thing to note is that I pulled the triggered for the next series of events myself I guess. But thinking like that is harmful to the mind. The exchange was simple. Happy birthday and a thank you.
About a week after that, she added me on snapchat out of nowhere. I don't know why but she did it. I still want to know now but maybe I'll ask when things are actually alright between us. She said it was trough quick add, but like why did you add me and how did you find my snapchat. Those were what I wanted to know. I did think she might've been interested in me but I didn't let that delude myself back then. But during a conversation, she said nice convo starter and that triggered me and I was like guck this chick not talking her again. But did it happen? I don't think so. Because porter Robinson happened soon afterwards and I will describe that night in detail in my next post Shelter.

Curtains

Every now and then, a song pops up in my head. What was that song called again? The one that goes like "well you put on quite a show, really had me going. But now it's time to go curtains finally closing...." When I first listened to it as a 14 year old, I didn't think much about it. It just sounded really nice. But as you age, you slowly understood the words and the meaning of it reaches out to you. I'm probably going through another depressive maniac stage again. It's probably because I popped and I do know how unattractive it is and how unattractive I feel about myself. Every single sad song resonates in your heart and it kinda opens up old wounds and at the name time induces new wounds upon yourself. But funny thing is these wounds are made by myself. In the end I have no one to blame for overthinking and I have no one to blame for liking another person. But then songs like this distorts your mind a little, because it tells you that it's okay to blame it on someone else. For me, that song kinda guided to think that others were always the one leading me on. And that i can be selfish and think that it's alright I have a right to let go. In reality I just want an excuse to let go but letting go also requires courage. Ironically, trying to let go takes as much courage as confessing to someone. But it's a different kind of courage. It's more of a courage that's embedded in sadness and anger. Having a reason to hate makes it easier to let go. Being disappointed is one way to let go and being angry is another way. It's the same courage but it's no longer stimulate by care, love and hope. Everyone is looking for a happy ending. I want one myself and I'm being literal about it. I'm quite sick waiting all these curtains close upon dissatisfaction and disappointment. 

Old Days New Days

"Tomorrow will not be the same as today", this saying is what have been governing the foundation of humanity and life throughout history. For a depressed person, tomorrow becomes hope for a change in their life, they long for improvement and in time, they hope it will come to them. As for happy individuals, tomorrow is probably taken in a different way. Happy people don't worry about the future because they live in the present. Instantaneous gratification is one way to describe their feelings, but being happy will make people wonder whether tomorrow is going to be better or worse. Happy people are curious people and they live for tomorrow in the sense that they do not know life is going to throw at them. If they encounter a pile of shit, then they can blow it with "I've had good times". If the day is the same or better, then they have nothing to worry about. 

But, there are people who don't believe in changes. People who don't see the value of future being better than present. Those people sit in a zone called resignation, they don't see good things separate from bad things. In their mind, all they think about is good things will all become bad and in the end everything comes down to doom and destruction. These people would be considered to be unhealthy individuals.

Lately, I feel like that self-destructive mentality is taking over me. I wouldn't say the word again. Because before I was physically self-destructive, but now im intellectually and emotionally worn off. I would say I want to live, but I no longer have an desire for anything good to happen. I just hope that I dont get hurt as much and I hope I can find peace somewhere. The phase for finding myself has ended and I ultimately realised that with my current environment finding myself is hardly possible. My love life is once again a failure and I don't think I have the energy to continue to pursue it, and family issues continually hit me like a machine gun. I told myself that Tomorrow will not be the same as today many times in the last few years, but I said it to the point where the meaning of this saying no longer reach out to me. My father had been a liar, and my life have been a lie for quite some time as well. In the end, I've become one more sacrifice for this rat race called reality.

Turned Around

The people who you used to meet became people you only talk to. The people who you used to talk to people became people you only run into on the streets. The people who you used to run into on the streets became you walk around and avoid. Friendship between people changes all the time. Some friends stay with you forever. Some friends slow drift away from you. Some friends leave you and find someone better. Isn't it beautiful to have friends who stay with you forever? But, recently, I became really appreciative of my friendship with Yiwen and this really belonged in a different category compared to the above. 

We started off weirdly and we had quite a bumpy ride. However, in the end, we are still mates and probably closer than we have been before. I remember the days when I was trying to get over her and it was pretty hard. I guess she could be considered as to why I came to USYD and UNSW, I honestly thought she would go UNSW and I would never see her again in my life. I was the one who was being that person trying to run away and leaving everything behind me. In a way, I was forcing myself to move on even though I went nowhere. There was several incidences where I even tried to avoid her when I was at the station. 

It would be considered a miracle when I found out that we both went to the same university. I was quite confused as to why she was in front of me. Perhaps life was playing a joke on me again? Perhaps I had to bear this scar with me for another 5 years? I felt really reluctant to talk to her in the beginning, and never did i look into her eyes for a solid 2 months. But, one night I really did open up to her about my feelings for Eugenia and I think ever after that we got closer.

It was quite unexpected, though, I really thought I would never talk to her again and, in the end,  look at where we are now. I was really glad that I turned around and decided to talk to her again and this time she stayed and listened to me. I would consider her to have the greatest influence in my life. She is the storm that cause disrupts my usual life but she is also the sun that brings purpose in my life. 

What really got me into thinking this is Ahry and this oztag team? Would I have met Ahry without her? Would we build this oztag team which was one of my dreams in high school? Well, I did make a possible path of meeting Ahry but would I like her would be another issue. 

Nevertheless, thank you. Hopefully, you stay with me for a little longer, even though I have been mean and a dick to you. And about the precious posts, they were all real, but then truth changes as well.

Flow

Over time feelings grow and falls and piles up like snowflakes dropping down from the clouds. 

Over time the dreams and wishes that you abandon come surging back to you.

Over time you turn around to look for what you had back then.

Over time the unchanging smiles you longed for turned sour and dull.

Over time maturity and serenity becomes bland and boring.

Over time the past brushed across just like the wind slipping across the horizon.

All this time you have been watching these thing happen to you. It seemed so close to you yet so far and unreachable and inevitable.

You begin to ask with a wavering voice "why did all this happen? Can i go back to how it was before? Or maybe can some things stay the same?"

You are being to convince yourself that you are not that strong, unwilling to admit that you are weak and you wanted protection.

"Could someone hold on to my hands and help me find the feelings that I've lost?"

Your voice resounds with anxiety and certainty. 

Then someone comes out to grab your hand but you feel it sliding out of your hand that very moment as well. You gripped onto it harder and its presence calms you. 

Zootopia

Current Group: Zootopia
Members: Elton Cheng, Yiwen Sun, Ga Yee Lee, Angela Ryu, Paul Kim
Today, I'm going to talk about my group. I guess I constructed the group. Actually no, it was more of a group effort, it came together through the participation of all members. But, I guess I was the one who really wanted to keep it as the 5 of us. But it was only under one condition where no one dates each other.  Days go by and, as time passes, you can't really stop things from happening. I guess I'll explain the current condition and what is bound to happen before I start talking about myself.

The first pair to form was Yiwen and Ga Yee. To be honest, it wasn't that unexpected. For me, Yiwen started to change during Christmas. She began to talk to me less and less. I felt it, but then I was too busy in the frenzy of catching up with my own school friends. Eventually, they became a lot closer and I gradually became distant to Yiwen, and this was before the break up with Wanyou even began. I got lost somewhere around here and I'm still lost I guess in what have, what I want and what I need. After the breakup, they obviously got even closer and it took a while before I could pick myself up and hang out with Yiwen again. The first spark I witness was on the day we drank at Hanabi with Julia and Simon. People think I'm naive for thinking that holding hands could mean anything as to the start of something. In this case, I was quite accurate about it. However, I strongly believed that Yiwen will get back with Wanyou. I guess the day where they made out in my room hit me hardest, because I knew from the bottom of the heart that more things will happen. I didn't believe it was an accident and Yiwen certainly didn't make it sound like an accident. Logically, "going with the flow" doesn't really explain a solution to an "accident". I never really confronted her about it, but even if I did, it's not like anything would change. That was also the reason why I didn't go against their relationship. Esther said I should've been mad and throw a fit, but I'm quite done the little insignificance I bear in other people's life. I guess I'm coping quite fine with it right now. I knew there was something on after Porter because Yiwen began to go Lidcombe quite often. I am quite glad they told me that they started to date first, but it was never like I had a choice to say no.

Angela and Paul is coming close to each other as well and I could see something happen between them as well. People may think that they are just really close, but then there's a limit to being close, and they are beyond that level of closeness. If nothing happens, then I seriously questions their intelligence and emotions. But, if something happens, then what will happen to me? Probably be an extra, being nothing more than a spare tyre. Looking at how close all the others are, it makes me wonder whose really the one just for me. I may have been wanting to date for a while. But, I am looking for someone to date? Or am I looking for someone to talk to? Or am I looking some to look after me? I think I just wanted to be saved by someone, but Linna said 'no one's going to save you, you need to get out there and find your own shelter.'. She's right, but I don't have much time to go out and I am getting used to being alone. Sometimes, I do worry about whether I'll be too accustomed to it that I end up dying alone. I guess one thing I don't want to happen in the future is to be buried alone, I really want to be bury next to someone I know, someone other than parents for once. But when that happens, I'll worry about what to do.

Well, I think everyone's trying to look for a six member. The others are trying to get Ahry into the group, but then Ahry is just a crush I guess. My crush for Ahry stimulated from holding hands. Holding hands is something I hold quite dear and I'm not the type to touch other girls. I do respect girls that much and I guess I'm really innocent in that sense. I've only held hands with three girls in my life: Linna, Eugenia and Ahry. I have never held hands with my own mum, so yeh....... I don't really want to bring Ahry into this group, because I know that stuff isn't really going to work out between us. She may be pretty and cute, but is that what I really want? We just help hands and leaned against each other, but I want someone who looks at me and someone who talks to me. I'm going to try to talk to her for another few weeks, if nothing happens, then I'll just carry on with my life. Probably, still end up talking but at least I won't be falling so hard for a girl ever again if I were to get nothing in return.

What I really want to do is find myself again, but I don't know where to start. It's weird to say this but I'm lost between sadness and happiness, hope and despair. I'm quite frustrated with the fact that I'm not able to draw a clear line between things in my life. I may be trying hard to study right now, but how long is that going to keep me alive?

Runaway

So after watching sad stories, I finally remembered when the hardest moment of my life, in terms of love life was. It was that day I ran from home. It wasn't just because of a girl, Linna if you guys don't know about her. It was more about the family issues i had to deal with. But today its not about that. It's more about how I felt about Linna back then.
If i were to describe my feelings for Linna back then, it might be one of the strongest. Honestly, its hard to compare my feelings for Linna and Yiwen. They are both strong, but they exist in a very forms.  I like to describe myself in relation to fire. Fire does make a good imagery for my feelings at least. Which kind of flame would Linna be? What kind of flame would Yiwen be?
It is quite easy to describe it as a form of fire. I'll start with Yiwen, because the heroine of this post is Linna. My feelings for Yiwen is like a flickering flame on the wick of a candle. It burns slowly and it wasn't really stable. There were moments where it almost dies, leaving just a splint and there were moments where it withstood the winds.
My feelings for Linna was like a campfire. I kept throwing firewood into it and the more vicious it burns. But it ended up at a point where the flames burn too quickly that no matter how much firewood i throw in, I wasnt able to keep up with it. In the end, the feelings exhausted itself.
But then that wasnt the thing that really devastated me. Not sure if people know about Justin and Linna, but people say i got snaked. But that wasn't really true. On that day, I ran away from home and sought for Linna to comfort me. We met at the library and because i needed to stay over at Alex, I brought Alex with me. And Alex brought Justin. I really liked Linna alot back then, I would say I gave her the best of me and also the rest of me.  I wasnt too sure what she felt about, but we were close and we were close to the point that we wouldve both made a mistake. Well, at least i would.
The moment, Justin and Linna met. A tsunami of despair rushed through me. I'm not sure if anyone of you felt this. How should I describe what happened? The person you are in love with and the person who is your friend, the moment you introduced them. You saw them click. And at the moment, you realised it wasnt going to be you. It will never be you. No matter how close you are right now, you have already been overtaken in that one second. You have buried your own hole. You got what you sought.
Well, sometimes i ask myself, if that event never happened, would it have been possible? Would i perhaps put an end to this drought and curse back then? Who knows? It probably wouldnt have worked out.

Residual

Progress from before?? Well, I'm still trapped in the fourth. I haven't really moved on. It feels different from the past but it's still bloody. My previous crushes was just purely affection, it was a sense of admiration and interest. But this time, I feel like I want to take care of her, i see us dating but then stuffed happen. It's not like I can really do much about it. I do get sick of this friend zone thing but all I can do is laugh it off.

But, I'm not just talking about Terri, I'm also talking about yiwen, the third. Regardless of her being in a relationship, I still have to say she's an important woman in my life. Like I'll admit it I might still like her, like maybe it's more than friends. The thing is even though I like her I can't see us dating at all. It's just after seeing her up close with wanyou and stuff, I just think I'm not a boyfriend material for her.

Do I think I'm a good boyfriend material for terri? Well, I reckon I would be. But clearly it doesn't matter. She's seeing Cosmo and I don't wanna get in their way, because I'm just a little bitch.

The Flame

When or why did I start liking? Was it that day she wore the flashy raincoat and stood out in the gloomy mass? Or was it the constant exposure to her kindness and attentiveness? Whenever it was, I've always thought that it was an infatuation at first. But, it wasn't in the end. My feeelings kept growing stronger and stronger. It was burning more brightly and vigorously than before, because I thought she might have feelings for me. But, I sat there for way too long just to think that this feeling will eventually fade. It never really did. So I thought I would start working on it. I thought I would give an honest effort, treating her specially and devoting all my time and attention on to her. I did my part for sure, it wasn't too hard. Sometimes you get lonely waiting for and sometimes you get anxious waiting for her. But, the waiting game wasn't bad. I finally convinced myself to get serious with my feelings however it was already to late. Another started to make the move. The way he did it was different, it was more of physical contact thing compared to emotional. I got quite jealous and desperate. I could never be like that, you know, I'm never about that kinda swag. I simply follow my heart and hopefully she accepts a piece of it. Even under the influence of drugs I wouldnt do that, because I know it would no longer be genuine. Those cases to me would only be considered  lust but I'm not about that. I was just looking for someone to date and I thought I saw that in her. Well she's NOw seeing the guy, he's a cool dude and I don't have anything against him. Maybe the only thing I'm worried about him is whether he's going for a serious relationship and not coming to realise that it was better to stay as friends. Nonetheless, I think I'm happy for them despite being quite bitter about how I never really got an opportunity to do my part. Maybe I did get an opportunity but I threw it away. I honestly thought I could give a serious effort after the exams but it's a little late. I thought for once I could deliver a proper confession on this girl and that will move her. I thought we could spend more time together. I thought maybe there could be an us and we. I thought about many things. But, those thoughts and feelings are going unannounced and I don't think you've ever thought or felt that way. This time, it was just me having feelings and you've never noticed it. Time will pass and these flames will die leaving nothing more than ashes. 

This is the fourth-Terri Ke.

Love me

From today, I guess I should let her go for a while or completely. I don't think there's a room for me and right now I don't have room for commitment as well. I'm not saying I'm going to give up on her just yet, because my feelings for her is still quite intense. Instead, I should leave it at a ceasefire and do something about myself. I want to start to learn to love myself before I even start to like anyone else or continue to pursue her. For the time being, I should catch up with the old friends I've lost. She might be taken soon but what happens then is what happens.

The Teacher

What I fear the most is that my relationship is only one that exists between pupil and teacher. That kind of relationship is rather dangerous, because you get all source of attention and trust but they are just false alarms. You are trusted but not someone that she likes but more of a resource that's readily available to her. Why I say this? Because it was what happened between me and yiwen at first. Why am I making the same mistake? Because teaching and giving guidance happened to be only few things I'm good at. But, then this situation was different from before I guess. Before, I was thrusted myself at yiwen through offering my support. This time, I was helping her as a fellow peer, but then I fell in love. Reasons as to why I like her? Well I'll discuss about that in the next chapter. But right now, I just want to believe that we are not just a student  and a tutor, talking because of studies. I want to believe that we have something more to work on. And I want to believe that she feels something of this kind as well.