Curves

If i was to represent my life in a curve, what would it be? Would it be a linear relation? If it were, would be increasing or decreasing? Would it be continuous? Would it be finite? Obviously, there will be a start and an end. Life starts at the age of zero and ends whenever i die. Which leads me to another important part of the graph, the axes. Would my axes represent life and happiness respectively? Not necessarily, I can draw it with the variables of sins vs good deeds. If i was to draw my life on this graph, it would look very similar to y=x however with minor fluctuations going up and down. Why is this so? I hold the belief of retribution to the means very dear. For every bad deed you do, a good deed would happen in exchange. For every good deed you do, you will have a flaw in some way. The minor fluctuation is due to occurrence at different times. They do not happen simultaneously, there is always a time and space. They will happen but at different times.

You

I think I like you? For the most part of the past, I was uncertain about my feelings towards you. It was a sort of confusion that remains unresolved until you really want to do something about it. Yes, this confusion of mine fails to fade away. It stays with me and is still waiting to be resolved. However, recently, I begin to feel something more than confusion. It is even harder to make out what it is. It is more like the feeling of missing my mum; however, I have been quite unsensitized to it. But, I do think there is something more than that. I just feel really secure when I am with you. I feel like that there is something more to it than that. Honestly, I thought about starting something with you. Would I be wrong? I often try to sing to myself “Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real?” I don't think so. I’m keeping this crush to myself I guess. There is a certain level of romance in unrequited love and it is somewhat artistic to a degree. It feels very dear to me in a way.

Suicide

Suicide? I used to think about this before, reflecting upon such thoughts now it is just stupidity. Just a general advice for all the people out in the world, don't think about suicide it's not worth it.
It is true for some people days may be hard due to problems with families, problems with friends, problems at work, problems at school. But I wouldn't suicide if I was having a hard time and everything is out of my control. I would like to tell you, nothing in life is in your control. Like jehovah's said, the universe belongs to Satan. We are the works of God, but we dwell in the creation of the devil. We must put up a good fight against the devil and not give in to him. For those people who are giving in their lives due to the hard time, you are giving in to the devil and you will have an even worse time after you die- no matter where you go. Fight the devil. Fight against life. Stay strong and stay alive. Have faith. Someone will always be there to guide you. Love you.

Talk

I am actually dying to talk to someone. I am also dying to see other people. It is killing me that I can't talk to anyone. But what makes things worst is that I begin to waver about starting a conversation with anyone when I get a chance. I don't know why. I want to talk. I want to talk about something that is relevant. I want to talk about your life. But somehow there is an ominous force within myself that is stopping me. Also I want to find a penfriend, because I want to write and talk about something with substance.

Struggle

I have been struggling against Arthur's belief for a long time. Arthur is the perfect antagonist. He destroys people to their bones. He can reach deep into your bones and begin to devour every marrow, every cell within it. However, he does not do this physically, he does it with words and schemes. He targets people mentally and belittle others. He is a devil. He corrupts purity and innocence. He transforms virtue to evilness. He is an ominous influence that cannot be stopped. There is no way of stopping him. 

I just don't want to be like him. I have been fighting his belief and character for a long time. It is not easy because everything he says is credible and unarguable. He has a sharp tongue which isn't sprinkled in sugar but dipped in pungent mustard. He speaks the truth and it is not pretty at all. He talks about his own reaction to such truths. The way he approaches things is not human. He isn't human. He is way too realistic and cruel. He is good with words, but too good with it that he began to seek the negative energy within it. Slowly, he is having an effect on me. Slowly, I am beginning to see his view and I am becoming more and more like him. The day I see the reflection in the mirror and see him, it will be the end of me.  God bless him.

Lost

I am lost today. I could not find my way out of anything. It seems as though i am lost in my own emotions and lost in my own anticipation of the future. However, i do not know what atrocities the future decides to visit upon, nor do i know what steps i should take next. I am not afraid of taking wrong roads even though wrong roads will highlight your mistakes. And, namely, "mistakes can be substituted with the word experience". So despite the loss in these wrong roads, i still gain something out of it and this will somehow lead me back to the right path? Is it alright to be lost? I will say this hesitantly, for I am still young. The road is a long way ahead of me and I shouldn't be saying much about it if I don't know where it will lead me. Like my father told me : "i still haven't chewed on enough rice to know anything about life".

Neutralisation

"Your marks are like neutralisation". Well, Enoch is right about this. My maths and English marks tend to neutralise each other out. More appropriately, they tend to balance each other out. I call this retribution to the means. It follows the principle of "for every good thing you get, you also receive a bad thing equivalent to the worth of the good". My recent exams marks are perfect examples of this phenomenon. My 100% in 4U mathematics is 'neutralised' by my 36% in English. Good grace, my English mark is terrible. If I do weigh my maths with my English, I do think there is a greater loss in the low English mark as compared to my result in mathematics. But what can I do? The past cannot be undone. 

However, despite all this retribution to the means, I don't think the belief of "you get back the effort you put in". Not for this English viva voce assessment at least (which is totally irrelevant). For that exam, I've neglected all my other subjects to prepare for it. Hours and hours on writing and notes, and I went as far as videotaping myself speaking to a 1990s model voice recorder like a lunatic. But what did I get back? 36%.............