A ride home where I kinda understood myself

Today, I came to an understanding of how I wanted my relationships to proceed and why I have always wanted to be in a relationship. It has been a rough day, but I am not here to complain about lonely I’ve been feeling but instead I am here to shed light in how I view and treasure relationships.

I shall begin talking about the mannerism in trying to “get a girl”. I like to think of it as a way of lighting a candle which is quite reflective of the pleasure I find in watching things burn. The way I like to make someone fall for me is like a gradual process of dosing them with kindness and warmth. I word it as though it is a form of poisoning and drugging for now but love in itself is a drug. I like to bear a slight warm presence next to people and make them appreciate this kind of existence is not confronting and comfortable, hopefully they appreciate it. The effect it bears is similar to a candle: you light up in the dark, at first you wonder how strange and inefficient the light can be, but gradually you’ll get used to the flickers and find the subtle warm and comfort it gives off. However, it definitely hasn’t worked well at least not on ahry not on Terri and not on Yiwen. As for Linna, I did let go of my own dignity somewhere along the line. I like it this way because I don’t have a strong character, I like to sit in the neutral zone and I like harmony.....

In one way, that may sound really insecure, but lately I am willing to admit that I am perhaps quite insecure. I definitely won’t let my insecurity affect other people. I like to set boundaries, I won’t let my own personal problems intrude other people’s life. I just don’t want to die alone I guess or more like be buried alone. In the end, all this comes down to the sense of belonging. I crave that feeling where you enter a room and you know that there is your spot next to a certain person all this time, instead of coming in and look for an empty seat and fill in the blanks. This feeling became more apparently at Paul’s birthday where we went to a buffet and I originally had a spot across Landy, but Simon and Daniel sat down and, after getting my first platter of food, I’ve been pushed all the way to the other side of the table. Truly the stuff guys do for a girl I probably did something like that as well but I’m moving on, because I know something for certain I will definitely not be able to get that from Ahry. Perhaps all this time Julia has been right. Shes just a cute girl and I am only attracted to her physical appearance. I feel like even after a whole year, I know very little about her. But is it really my fault? Every time I try to provide some kind of warmth, a cold pot of water will be poured over to deny the ignition. Its been like that for awhile.

Also, I think I’m currently rebounding on Hillary, but I have an urge in me that’s motivating me to ask her out on a date instead of proceeding in my candle manner. It might be out of anger. It might be out of despair. Who knows and who cares. I’ve decided to stop messaging Ahry, after last night, I understood that this is how far I can go with ahry. I won’t be able to learn more about her, she isn’t going to open up to me and we don’t see things the same way.

Late post dated 2nd March 2018

Every single person can be related to you via 7 degrees of mutual. That statement has been Paul's catch phrase every since the korea trip and in all honesty I don't particularly like that saying. It gives me a sense of confinement and highlights how small this world can be and how everyone can be related to each other. My detest for large groups slowly got worse during the korea trip as well. It isn't that I don't like the people I hang out with, but it is when a large group is formed, there tend to be a competition of some sort. It could be a competition of ideas, a competition of passion or a competition of lifestyle. In a way, it puts me in a grounding where I have to compete within the group or else my own presence is dulled. But regardless I have never been able to shine in big groups and that is precisely why I don't like it. I lack passion, I lack interests and I lack motivation. 

Currently, my own group has began to intertwine with many others. It started with Julia and Simon and now followed Adrian's and Daniels group. Honestly, I don't mind all these people if I were to hang out with them once in a way, but now it seems more like we are doing everything together and that upsets me. There was a few incidents that got to me when we were hanging out together. In korea, on the first night when we met up with them, paul mentioned soemthing that happened without our own airbnb and I got instantly angry. Like why. I already hate large groups and people start exposing stuff. I got so angry to the point that I took my glasses off and negated all of their existences for a solid hour. Yesterday was triggering as well. I don't mention I'm with any girls with ahry and they bring up some random shit like "didn't you not go to the roadtrip just to have a date with Ji hyun".  It annoyed me a little, given that there’s is turbulence between Daniel, Simon and I. I’m slowly backing out despite desperately convincing myself that i want her. But then I’m just a lil Bitch.

Decisions in indecisions

The korea trip has made me realise quite a few things. One of the most significant thing that happened was me- I have broken one of my codes, my disciplines and made out with a girl. It was quite funny, unexpected and unacceptable at the same time. Although memories were blurry, I do kind of remember the events that led up it. 

It was dark and it was dizzy, I was at the point of intoxication where I want to be left alone and not be disturbed. Having a table at club is quite a splendid idea, I was pleased by having a spot and enjoyed the hallucinating sensation within the murkiness of the club. There was a white shadow that swayed from left to right and remained in front of me for a while. I took note and i took note again as it swayed. Once, twice, three and four times…. I lost count and i walked up, tapped her on the shoulder and gestured her to follow me.

She smiled and grabbed me by my hands. Funny how i wasn’t the one who held her hand first. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she smiled. We drank, we exchanged conversation on notes and i found pleasure after hearing her name was Jihyun. We danced and then we made out.

I don’t remember how it felt but nonetheless it was my first kiss. Unfortunately, it was quite regretful for being my first kiss but what is done is done. 

Now i come to tell you as to why I kissed her. I present an evidence from that night. It was meant to be secret, but this blog is one of my secrets.

“ What are the chances between us 

It's slim but then I start to think about the the jihyun in very beginning and the. I think about the jihyun that is now

And there it is the thought ahry comes to run down the waterfall

Steeply

But smoothly 

We all know what it's our …..”

When I was drunk that night, I composed this poem. It is incomplete and up until now I still wonder what finished this poem. Our what? Why didn’t I finish it? What was I trying to say? In the hours of being hangover, I thought about that night lie between the possibility of my feelings for my idealistic form of romance and my despair. I sounded desperate perhaps. But it became clear to me that I might’ve kissed her because her name was Jihyun. But that would mean I might have feelings for Jihyun. I don’t know what I wanted to achieve out of this but Im sure that Im at a crisis where I have two people I like. I still wanted it to be Ahry. But Ahry and I haven’t been working out, although lately, ahry suspiciously started messaging me more. Perhaps its a sign that we are more natural with each other, but I’m being cautious. I have to figure out what i want wiht jihyun and if i found an answer. Im going for it and putting my friendship at risk.

From hands to eyes

It has been awhile since I mention Ahry on this. For your information, we still talk. A lot of people have commented on how I still talk to her. Some say it is more than sufficient, echoing in my ears would be the very question "are you expecting more?". At first I didn't seem like a problem, but just yesterday it started to get to me.

I had brunch with Ahry alone for the first time since Yumcha. I would consider this was the first time we came out to eat together out of friendship or whatever. Yumcha was more of a reparation for the accident at Porter, despite how optimistic I was, I did come to that conclusion. Brunch was going fine, we talked, we exchanged eye contact, we are, we laughed. It was quite fine and she smiled a lot and they were brilliant smiles. I teased her like I used to and there was that. Hemi and her mate coincidentally ate on the table next to us. I don't think they thought much about ahry and I, like they probably did assume stuff but why wouldn't them? Anyways, that was brunch and it was perfectly fine. I teased her like how I did after I started to get over her.

I thought everything was fine as it would seem.

I would also like to add that lately I got closer with landy through Skype study. For those who don't know, landy and ahry are what they call bff, people who tell each other everything share everything. I sometimes joke to her about how I liked ahry and she dont seemed that bothered by it.

Last night's conversation with Landy took a different turn. She told me things that I should've known or seen with my own eyes, but she told me in the end. I was quite disappointed in my own behaviour and I knew straightaway I should've done better or should be doing better. At that moment, a burn resided in my body to remind me how little I knew about Ahry and what have I been looking at for the past few months.

What I have also accepted is that I may have like Ahry simply based on appearance before. She is a cute girl and a very cute one and perhaps that's why I was overjoyed when she took my hand at Porter. People would think that my liking is really superficial and shallow. For me, I don't see much problem at the start, you need something to get you started and historically appearance always is the easiest option. What I failed to do is work beyond that, and this notion had kept me awake through the night. After hanging with her for so long, it is a little hopeless of me to understand her a little and look at stuff in her perspective. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't being a dick, like I have been caring but it felt like a paternal care in a way. 

I thought about it endlessly and I know I want to work on it again. It might be crashed again, but I want to work on it again. That cycles never ended in my head and in the background rings Landy's question " do you think ahry ever liked you?"

I thought we've established that she didn't already.

Wreckage

If life is about money, then I'm broke. If life is about love, then I'm broken. If life is about human relationship, then that is also breaking apart. It is quite funny how I'm making myself sound like I'm always going through a mid life crisis. "Mid life crisis for a twenty year old" at least has quite a nice catch to it. I've been making mistakes, mistakes that I shouldn't have made. It should have been quite obvious to never trust strangers. But trusting strangers has been one of my own defence mechanics in making sure I don't get hurt from people I like and people who are my friends. It is ironic how I trust a stranger more than my friends. It is probably because of the anonymousness. The fact that they view with a shallow or no filter makes it rather more pleasant. However, lately that view is shattered, I'm not gonna tell you what I did, cause it was simply too stupid of a mistake to make. I will reassure you it's not what you are probably thinking about, it was probably I'll solve at one part of my life. But yeh not that. Lately it has become self evident that I'm stupid. I shouldn't trust a stranger and I shouldn't trust friends as well. In the end, I probably just have myself. Or will I end up looking at myself with minimal expectation as well?

The Pre

The saga between Ahry and I also came to an end. This time it wasn't as hard I guess but it is quite weird because I still have feelings for her but it doesn't hurt. Anyways, we talked and in the end I said  I want us to be friends". But can guys and girls be friends if they are close? Not really if they are both straight cause "something has to happen". Part of that is what makes life fun because people want "something to happen". Sometimes that something works out for both, sometimes that something ends up hurting someone. Unfortunately for me, something hurts. But before I talk about tht I will go through how I saw this girl called Ahry before I liked her.
The first time I stalked her would probably be during the phase when I liked Yiwen. She popped up in a conversation with Enoch where he said something about I didn't know yiwen is friends with Ahry. But the first encounter was during knockout. I faintly remember her being with us at knockout, not sure whether it was for the whole night though. At that point, I didn't care much about her, I was struggles to not get disheartened by Terri and Cosmo. By the way, they didn't end up dating which I  felt regrettable for some time. Maybe I could've tried harder. I guess the only thing I remember from that time was asking her how she was getting home and she said her sister was going to pick her up. Right now, I can't be certain whether I asked her out of courtesy or not. I don't think I wanted to really take her home. I added her on Facebook the next day, but I didn't talk to her simply because she was only a cute girl and I didn't think I'll ever see her again.
After that, she came say hi when paul yiwen and I were playing pool. Again, I kept my minimal exposure.
On her birthday, February the 10, I believe I didn't know why but I sent her a happy birthday message  and I didn't know why I did it. I rarely write happy birthday on other people's wall and most of the times it's through messages. I can't remember why I sent it, but on thing to note is that I pulled the triggered for the next series of events myself I guess. But thinking like that is harmful to the mind. The exchange was simple. Happy birthday and a thank you.
About a week after that, she added me on snapchat out of nowhere. I don't know why but she did it. I still want to know now but maybe I'll ask when things are actually alright between us. She said it was trough quick add, but like why did you add me and how did you find my snapchat. Those were what I wanted to know. I did think she might've been interested in me but I didn't let that delude myself back then. But during a conversation, she said nice convo starter and that triggered me and I was like guck this chick not talking her again. But did it happen? I don't think so. Because porter Robinson happened soon afterwards and I will describe that night in detail in my next post Shelter.

Curtains

Every now and then, a song pops up in my head. What was that song called again? The one that goes like "well you put on quite a show, really had me going. But now it's time to go curtains finally closing...." When I first listened to it as a 14 year old, I didn't think much about it. It just sounded really nice. But as you age, you slowly understood the words and the meaning of it reaches out to you. I'm probably going through another depressive maniac stage again. It's probably because I popped and I do know how unattractive it is and how unattractive I feel about myself. Every single sad song resonates in your heart and it kinda opens up old wounds and at the name time induces new wounds upon yourself. But funny thing is these wounds are made by myself. In the end I have no one to blame for overthinking and I have no one to blame for liking another person. But then songs like this distorts your mind a little, because it tells you that it's okay to blame it on someone else. For me, that song kinda guided to think that others were always the one leading me on. And that i can be selfish and think that it's alright I have a right to let go. In reality I just want an excuse to let go but letting go also requires courage. Ironically, trying to let go takes as much courage as confessing to someone. But it's a different kind of courage. It's more of a courage that's embedded in sadness and anger. Having a reason to hate makes it easier to let go. Being disappointed is one way to let go and being angry is another way. It's the same courage but it's no longer stimulate by care, love and hope. Everyone is looking for a happy ending. I want one myself and I'm being literal about it. I'm quite sick waiting all these curtains close upon dissatisfaction and disappointment.