The end for a beginning

 Hi all, 

It has been a very long time since I've came back to this. Initially, I made this blog page because I wanted to document my life at university. As you guys can see, that didn't really happen, and it is quite ironic how I am revisiting this page at the end of my university life. I lost commitment and I lost interest. There had been moments during those 5 years, where I wanted to write something about my life and the way I feel. I made new blog pages, new website. However, I never really wanted to do that for my own sake. I wanted to write so that I can become famous, and I can be inspiring for others. I came back here hoping to inspire others but I'm also doing it to express who I am, and this time I've decided to put more effort into it. I was going to delete all my previous posts and start afresh, but in the end, I've decided to keep them as they are inherently a part of myself and reflect on who I am back then. 

I admit that I have changed in some way and, of course, with life, there will always be good changes and bad changes. Instead of naming those changes, I would like to demonstrate them slowly through each and every one of my stories. Instead of just telling you guys who I want to be and who I think I am, I want you all to get to know me through what I've done, how I live, how I think and how I feel. I hope you all will have an enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to you guys revisiting my stories every now and then.

 Today, I would like to talk about something that happened since yesterday. Last night, my workplace, Ted Baker, decided to have a group meeting where we discuss about our lives and look after each other for R U OK day. It was a really light-hearted meeting, we talked about the little things that guided us through COVID-19 and played games to build our relationship. There was a game that really enlightened me, it was called "We're just friends". It is a game where prompts are set up and each person will be asked some sensitive, deep, or meaningful questions. If anyone is interested, then you will find it through this link: https://werejustfriends.online/. 

A question that really got to me last night was "Have you ever told someone I love you but didn't mean it? If so, why?'. As soon as I saw this question, I had an answer in my head. Unlike most people, this wasn't really about any romantic partners I had in the past. For me, this was about my mother. My mother left me at a very young stage and, from what I remember, she didn't really treat me well. As I was growing up, she did try to amend our relationship by looking out for me, caring for me and asking me to hang out. I really appreciate her for doing that and I also try my best to do as many things as I can with her. Often, my mom would tell me "I love you" in Chinese. In the beginning, I didn't really know how to handle it and I pretended I didn't hear it and moved forward with our conversations. As I grew up, I've learnt how hard it is for my mother and how she probably feels guilty about not being a part of my upbringing. I was aware of it, and I started to actively say "I love you" to her. For me this was probably the hardest words I've said because I felt very guilty about it, however, I wanted to give my mother validation of her efforts and fulfil my duties as a child. 

My workmates were shocked by my response, but they were being accommodating by not diving too deep into the story. Sensibly enough, Erica asked me how I understood the feeling of love. This was a relatively hard question for me because I haven't felt much love when I was growing up. There was never any woman growing up with me as my household was surrounded by men, and, as you would expect, men don't really know how to express their emotions. I wouldn't dare say that I wasn't loved but I never really felt it. My definition of love is "the willingness to care and commit unconditionally". I explained why I can't love my mother is because I can't commit unconditionally. I've tried to do it before, but no matter how hard I try, I felt that there was a voice in my head that reminds me that she never considered me during her divorcement. This voice could also be subjected to the brainwashing my dad did when I was growing up, but I am going to save that for another day. 

After the meeting, I did do some research about what love is. Google said that "Love is a set of emotions and behaviours characterised by intimacy, passion, and commitment." To some extent, I would agree. It is such an intense emotion that makes you want to care, protect, trust, commit, sacrifice, and feel for someone. I think the most important thing is that you are doing this for someone, and you are willing to put yourself behind these priorities. 

As important as the act of loving someone, I think it is also very important that we should let them know that they are loved, especially for kids and your partner. This isn't limited to the feeling of love, I think we should also ask people how they feel. Many people are not willing to express their emotions because they think they lose a part of themselves. However, what they should realise is that, in the process of exchanging emotions,  the void from expressing their feelings is made up by the attention from the people they care about. This is idea behind R U OK day,  we should look out for people who we care about and also people who care about us. We should also be doing this everyday in the future. Anyways, that is all I like to say for today as I have other responsibilities that I need to fulfil. Thank you for taking your time and hope you have a happy and easy-going life.

PS This post was dated in 2021.

I rejected him but i still want him close

He just finished work and i messaged him to agree upon a location to meet. I made sure I was early this time, because last time, i felt as though he had his guard up and i definitely did not want to slide on his bad scale. I'm quite sure he was bitter have been rejected last month and this was perhaps the first time I will be properly eating with him. Last time, I unconsciously abandoned him, even though we only conversed through the phone, I felt a menace that penetrated through his sigh. He tried to sneak behind me, but for the first time, I made sure I was the first one to surprise him first. He was easily distinguished from others, walked with an air of flair whilst suited up in a business attire on a busy weekend. I turned around with my phone catching every detail as I rejoiced happy birthday and handed him the flowers. He looked stunned and so I explained how the flower was only a gift from another party that was held on the same day. He laughed it off gratefully and played along by acting as a gentlemen. He gently removed the flower from my hands and caressed it in his arms. I looked for a diversion as I was noticing too much and insisted the need to go toilet. The toilet got extended to a little walk to a 5-star hotel toilet.

"Living it luxurious," he whispered under his breath, I dont think he expected a reply and I did not give him one. 

We laughed and we talked as we walked. For I was the one who rejected him, I started to feel as though the situation turned more like a date compared to before. I watched as everyone giggled at us as they saw him holding the bouquet. He laughed and pointed how we stop out a lot and I agreed pleasantly. By the time, we arrived at our restaurant, we became accustomised to those gazes and we never mentioned it again. 

The waiter guided as to our tables and offered to look after the bouquet and his jacket. Neither of us have any preference for the food so he suggested a recommendation from the waiter. We ordered our meal and it was quite pricey that I made a remark about the expensiveness but he only replied with a smirk and a hidden glare. The food was quite nice but it wasnt outstanding, there was definitely places with better food. He said that he never judged a restaurant just by the food, but by the entirety of the restaurant. He spoke with gust about how money are spent on the service in European cultures and he yearns for a sense of prestige and attention. We talked and talked and the conversation turned to deeper themes about my religion and family and his family and his belief in religion. He chose his words carefully, despite trying to bring down Christianity. We were quite content with our main and it went extremely well with the wine. I finally saw how the wine befitted the setting and the food and the overall mood of the dinner.

We walked again to digest the food. The setting of the walk was the harbour and we did take a few photos of the setting. We arrived at the Opera Bar and spoke to each other for a bit more. The conversation was alot drier and I could feel that he wasnt with me anymore, but there was nothing I could or would do to start a conversation. He wore a more serious face and it was filled with darkness. He looked up in the sky and whispered" If there was a firework, would it be prettier if we looked at it from below or from the side?" I didnt reply to him, but he didnt seem to mind the silence. We finished up quickly and as we walked half way, i mentioned how we forgot the flowers but insisted me to stay here. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around before running back to the bar. He came back a while later with a little puff, but at least the gloom on his face disappeared. We continued on walking, he didnt insist on staying for a little longer, instead he bid me goodbye and hoped that I slept well, before he went of to meet with his friends. The meeting didn't seem planned,  but perhaps he became tired of my presence. The night ended and I no longer know what is happening.

trying so hard not to try so hard

Today is perhaps the kind of day where I'll be needing another "sad song" on repeat. Let me start with how the day unfolded. I woke up to a 7:09am's simple message of 'Sorry m8 i was asleep haha'. The timing was perfect, the message arrived as I was looking out for the time. I replied back quickly and i asked if i should call her now. She said "so earlyyy" and I went ahead and called regardless.
Anyways, there probably not many guys in the world who performs a 7:13 am confession and there's probably just one retard who will do that and that is me. I asked her out on a date and I got rejected. She said no nicely, but wanted to stay as friends and still wants to hang out. I didnt know how i feel about that and I just asked her if she wanted to come to my birthday dinner next week and I dont remember exactly what her reply was. Maybe she answered it and i forgot or maybe she didnt answer it at all. Regardless, I've invited her to the dinner and I'm expecting questions about it tomorrow and I have to answer it with a smile of my face and laugh that could dissolve the situation. But it bothered me less than I forgot.
I guess what really got to me lately is the organisation of the party. I do know what everyone has to make me feel like the bad guy because i didnt invite A. Everyone is saying " it will make the group awkward" and i acknowledge that but the way people but is as if they are apportioning blame on to me. For me, the group has ended long ago and I have no attachment to the idea of group as much as much. I once did, but everything changed. Everything changed because everyone became selfish and I have also became selfish. Some started off selfish, some turned selfish. Regardless, what i wanted to say about t to r is "I may have been t's close friend back in the days, but things have changed." We are both at fault for what happened, but this is what i have to say to r. "I am your close friend. Not T's. So don't expect me to cater his feelings for everything. I dont have ill will against him but i wont go as far as making him one of my priority."
And people stop expecting too much from me. Im having a hard time at trying so hard not to try so hard.

A ride home where I kinda understood myself

Today, I came to an understanding of how I wanted my relationships to proceed and why I have always wanted to be in a relationship. It has been a rough day, but I am not here to complain about lonely I’ve been feeling but instead I am here to shed light in how I view and treasure relationships.

I shall begin talking about the mannerism in trying to “get a girl”. I like to think of it as a way of lighting a candle which is quite reflective of the pleasure I find in watching things burn. The way I like to make someone fall for me is like a gradual process of dosing them with kindness and warmth. I word it as though it is a form of poisoning and drugging for now but love in itself is a drug. I like to bear a slight warm presence next to people and make them appreciate this kind of existence is not confronting and comfortable, hopefully they appreciate it. The effect it bears is similar to a candle: you light up in the dark, at first you wonder how strange and inefficient the light can be, but gradually you’ll get used to the flickers and find the subtle warm and comfort it gives off. However, it definitely hasn’t worked well at least not on ahry not on Terri and not on Yiwen. As for Linna, I did let go of my own dignity somewhere along the line. I like it this way because I don’t have a strong character, I like to sit in the neutral zone and I like harmony.....

In one way, that may sound really insecure, but lately I am willing to admit that I am perhaps quite insecure. I definitely won’t let my insecurity affect other people. I like to set boundaries, I won’t let my own personal problems intrude other people’s life. I just don’t want to die alone I guess or more like be buried alone. In the end, all this comes down to the sense of belonging. I crave that feeling where you enter a room and you know that there is your spot next to a certain person all this time, instead of coming in and look for an empty seat and fill in the blanks. This feeling became more apparently at Paul’s birthday where we went to a buffet and I originally had a spot across Landy, but Simon and Daniel sat down and, after getting my first platter of food, I’ve been pushed all the way to the other side of the table. Truly the stuff guys do for a girl I probably did something like that as well but I’m moving on, because I know something for certain I will definitely not be able to get that from Ahry. Perhaps all this time Julia has been right. Shes just a cute girl and I am only attracted to her physical appearance. I feel like even after a whole year, I know very little about her. But is it really my fault? Every time I try to provide some kind of warmth, a cold pot of water will be poured over to deny the ignition. Its been like that for awhile.

Also, I think I’m currently rebounding on Hillary, but I have an urge in me that’s motivating me to ask her out on a date instead of proceeding in my candle manner. It might be out of anger. It might be out of despair. Who knows and who cares. I’ve decided to stop messaging Ahry, after last night, I understood that this is how far I can go with ahry. I won’t be able to learn more about her, she isn’t going to open up to me and we don’t see things the same way.

Late post dated 2nd March 2018

Every single person can be related to you via 7 degrees of mutual. That statement has been Paul's catch phrase every since the korea trip and in all honesty I don't particularly like that saying. It gives me a sense of confinement and highlights how small this world can be and how everyone can be related to each other. My detest for large groups slowly got worse during the korea trip as well. It isn't that I don't like the people I hang out with, but it is when a large group is formed, there tend to be a competition of some sort. It could be a competition of ideas, a competition of passion or a competition of lifestyle. In a way, it puts me in a grounding where I have to compete within the group or else my own presence is dulled. But regardless I have never been able to shine in big groups and that is precisely why I don't like it. I lack passion, I lack interests and I lack motivation. 

Currently, my own group has began to intertwine with many others. It started with Julia and Simon and now followed Adrian's and Daniels group. Honestly, I don't mind all these people if I were to hang out with them once in a way, but now it seems more like we are doing everything together and that upsets me. There was a few incidents that got to me when we were hanging out together. In korea, on the first night when we met up with them, paul mentioned soemthing that happened without our own airbnb and I got instantly angry. Like why. I already hate large groups and people start exposing stuff. I got so angry to the point that I took my glasses off and negated all of their existences for a solid hour. Yesterday was triggering as well. I don't mention I'm with any girls with ahry and they bring up some random shit like "didn't you not go to the roadtrip just to have a date with Ji hyun".  It annoyed me a little, given that there’s is turbulence between Daniel, Simon and I. I’m slowly backing out despite desperately convincing myself that i want her. But then I’m just a lil Bitch.

Decisions in indecisions

The korea trip has made me realise quite a few things. One of the most significant thing that happened was me- I have broken one of my codes, my disciplines and made out with a girl. It was quite funny, unexpected and unacceptable at the same time. Although memories were blurry, I do kind of remember the events that led up it. 

It was dark and it was dizzy, I was at the point of intoxication where I want to be left alone and not be disturbed. Having a table at club is quite a splendid idea, I was pleased by having a spot and enjoyed the hallucinating sensation within the murkiness of the club. There was a white shadow that swayed from left to right and remained in front of me for a while. I took note and i took note again as it swayed. Once, twice, three and four times…. I lost count and i walked up, tapped her on the shoulder and gestured her to follow me.

She smiled and grabbed me by my hands. Funny how i wasn’t the one who held her hand first. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she smiled. We drank, we exchanged conversation on notes and i found pleasure after hearing her name was Jihyun. We danced and then we made out.

I don’t remember how it felt but nonetheless it was my first kiss. Unfortunately, it was quite regretful for being my first kiss but what is done is done. 

Now i come to tell you as to why I kissed her. I present an evidence from that night. It was meant to be secret, but this blog is one of my secrets.

“ What are the chances between us 

It's slim but then I start to think about the the jihyun in very beginning and the. I think about the jihyun that is now

And there it is the thought ahry comes to run down the waterfall

Steeply

But smoothly 

We all know what it's our …..”

When I was drunk that night, I composed this poem. It is incomplete and up until now I still wonder what finished this poem. Our what? Why didn’t I finish it? What was I trying to say? In the hours of being hangover, I thought about that night lie between the possibility of my feelings for my idealistic form of romance and my despair. I sounded desperate perhaps. But it became clear to me that I might’ve kissed her because her name was Jihyun. But that would mean I might have feelings for Jihyun. I don’t know what I wanted to achieve out of this but Im sure that Im at a crisis where I have two people I like. I still wanted it to be Ahry. But Ahry and I haven’t been working out, although lately, ahry suspiciously started messaging me more. Perhaps its a sign that we are more natural with each other, but I’m being cautious. I have to figure out what i want wiht jihyun and if i found an answer. Im going for it and putting my friendship at risk.

From hands to eyes

It has been awhile since I mention Ahry on this. For your information, we still talk. A lot of people have commented on how I still talk to her. Some say it is more than sufficient, echoing in my ears would be the very question "are you expecting more?". At first I didn't seem like a problem, but just yesterday it started to get to me.

I had brunch with Ahry alone for the first time since Yumcha. I would consider this was the first time we came out to eat together out of friendship or whatever. Yumcha was more of a reparation for the accident at Porter, despite how optimistic I was, I did come to that conclusion. Brunch was going fine, we talked, we exchanged eye contact, we are, we laughed. It was quite fine and she smiled a lot and they were brilliant smiles. I teased her like I used to and there was that. Hemi and her mate coincidentally ate on the table next to us. I don't think they thought much about ahry and I, like they probably did assume stuff but why wouldn't them? Anyways, that was brunch and it was perfectly fine. I teased her like how I did after I started to get over her.

I thought everything was fine as it would seem.

I would also like to add that lately I got closer with landy through Skype study. For those who don't know, landy and ahry are what they call bff, people who tell each other everything share everything. I sometimes joke to her about how I liked ahry and she dont seemed that bothered by it.

Last night's conversation with Landy took a different turn. She told me things that I should've known or seen with my own eyes, but she told me in the end. I was quite disappointed in my own behaviour and I knew straightaway I should've done better or should be doing better. At that moment, a burn resided in my body to remind me how little I knew about Ahry and what have I been looking at for the past few months.

What I have also accepted is that I may have like Ahry simply based on appearance before. She is a cute girl and a very cute one and perhaps that's why I was overjoyed when she took my hand at Porter. People would think that my liking is really superficial and shallow. For me, I don't see much problem at the start, you need something to get you started and historically appearance always is the easiest option. What I failed to do is work beyond that, and this notion had kept me awake through the night. After hanging with her for so long, it is a little hopeless of me to understand her a little and look at stuff in her perspective. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't being a dick, like I have been caring but it felt like a paternal care in a way. 

I thought about it endlessly and I know I want to work on it again. It might be crashed again, but I want to work on it again. That cycles never ended in my head and in the background rings Landy's question " do you think ahry ever liked you?"

I thought we've established that she didn't already.