Zootopia

Current Group: Zootopia
Members: Elton Cheng, Yiwen Sun, Ga Yee Lee, Angela Ryu, Paul Kim
Today, I'm going to talk about my group. I guess I constructed the group. Actually no, it was more of a group effort, it came together through the participation of all members. But, I guess I was the one who really wanted to keep it as the 5 of us. But it was only under one condition where no one dates each other.  Days go by and, as time passes, you can't really stop things from happening. I guess I'll explain the current condition and what is bound to happen before I start talking about myself.

The first pair to form was Yiwen and Ga Yee. To be honest, it wasn't that unexpected. For me, Yiwen started to change during Christmas. She began to talk to me less and less. I felt it, but then I was too busy in the frenzy of catching up with my own school friends. Eventually, they became a lot closer and I gradually became distant to Yiwen, and this was before the break up with Wanyou even began. I got lost somewhere around here and I'm still lost I guess in what have, what I want and what I need. After the breakup, they obviously got even closer and it took a while before I could pick myself up and hang out with Yiwen again. The first spark I witness was on the day we drank at Hanabi with Julia and Simon. People think I'm naive for thinking that holding hands could mean anything as to the start of something. In this case, I was quite accurate about it. However, I strongly believed that Yiwen will get back with Wanyou. I guess the day where they made out in my room hit me hardest, because I knew from the bottom of the heart that more things will happen. I didn't believe it was an accident and Yiwen certainly didn't make it sound like an accident. Logically, "going with the flow" doesn't really explain a solution to an "accident". I never really confronted her about it, but even if I did, it's not like anything would change. That was also the reason why I didn't go against their relationship. Esther said I should've been mad and throw a fit, but I'm quite done the little insignificance I bear in other people's life. I guess I'm coping quite fine with it right now. I knew there was something on after Porter because Yiwen began to go Lidcombe quite often. I am quite glad they told me that they started to date first, but it was never like I had a choice to say no.

Angela and Paul is coming close to each other as well and I could see something happen between them as well. People may think that they are just really close, but then there's a limit to being close, and they are beyond that level of closeness. If nothing happens, then I seriously questions their intelligence and emotions. But, if something happens, then what will happen to me? Probably be an extra, being nothing more than a spare tyre. Looking at how close all the others are, it makes me wonder whose really the one just for me. I may have been wanting to date for a while. But, I am looking for someone to date? Or am I looking for someone to talk to? Or am I looking some to look after me? I think I just wanted to be saved by someone, but Linna said 'no one's going to save you, you need to get out there and find your own shelter.'. She's right, but I don't have much time to go out and I am getting used to being alone. Sometimes, I do worry about whether I'll be too accustomed to it that I end up dying alone. I guess one thing I don't want to happen in the future is to be buried alone, I really want to be bury next to someone I know, someone other than parents for once. But when that happens, I'll worry about what to do.

Well, I think everyone's trying to look for a six member. The others are trying to get Ahry into the group, but then Ahry is just a crush I guess. My crush for Ahry stimulated from holding hands. Holding hands is something I hold quite dear and I'm not the type to touch other girls. I do respect girls that much and I guess I'm really innocent in that sense. I've only held hands with three girls in my life: Linna, Eugenia and Ahry. I have never held hands with my own mum, so yeh....... I don't really want to bring Ahry into this group, because I know that stuff isn't really going to work out between us. She may be pretty and cute, but is that what I really want? We just help hands and leaned against each other, but I want someone who looks at me and someone who talks to me. I'm going to try to talk to her for another few weeks, if nothing happens, then I'll just carry on with my life. Probably, still end up talking but at least I won't be falling so hard for a girl ever again if I were to get nothing in return.

What I really want to do is find myself again, but I don't know where to start. It's weird to say this but I'm lost between sadness and happiness, hope and despair. I'm quite frustrated with the fact that I'm not able to draw a clear line between things in my life. I may be trying hard to study right now, but how long is that going to keep me alive?

Runaway

So after watching sad stories, I finally remembered when the hardest moment of my life, in terms of love life was. It was that day I ran from home. It wasn't just because of a girl, Linna if you guys don't know about her. It was more about the family issues i had to deal with. But today its not about that. It's more about how I felt about Linna back then.
If i were to describe my feelings for Linna back then, it might be one of the strongest. Honestly, its hard to compare my feelings for Linna and Yiwen. They are both strong, but they exist in a very forms.  I like to describe myself in relation to fire. Fire does make a good imagery for my feelings at least. Which kind of flame would Linna be? What kind of flame would Yiwen be?
It is quite easy to describe it as a form of fire. I'll start with Yiwen, because the heroine of this post is Linna. My feelings for Yiwen is like a flickering flame on the wick of a candle. It burns slowly and it wasn't really stable. There were moments where it almost dies, leaving just a splint and there were moments where it withstood the winds.
My feelings for Linna was like a campfire. I kept throwing firewood into it and the more vicious it burns. But it ended up at a point where the flames burn too quickly that no matter how much firewood i throw in, I wasnt able to keep up with it. In the end, the feelings exhausted itself.
But then that wasnt the thing that really devastated me. Not sure if people know about Justin and Linna, but people say i got snaked. But that wasn't really true. On that day, I ran away from home and sought for Linna to comfort me. We met at the library and because i needed to stay over at Alex, I brought Alex with me. And Alex brought Justin. I really liked Linna alot back then, I would say I gave her the best of me and also the rest of me.  I wasnt too sure what she felt about, but we were close and we were close to the point that we wouldve both made a mistake. Well, at least i would.
The moment, Justin and Linna met. A tsunami of despair rushed through me. I'm not sure if anyone of you felt this. How should I describe what happened? The person you are in love with and the person who is your friend, the moment you introduced them. You saw them click. And at the moment, you realised it wasnt going to be you. It will never be you. No matter how close you are right now, you have already been overtaken in that one second. You have buried your own hole. You got what you sought.
Well, sometimes i ask myself, if that event never happened, would it have been possible? Would i perhaps put an end to this drought and curse back then? Who knows? It probably wouldnt have worked out.

Residual

Progress from before?? Well, I'm still trapped in the fourth. I haven't really moved on. It feels different from the past but it's still bloody. My previous crushes was just purely affection, it was a sense of admiration and interest. But this time, I feel like I want to take care of her, i see us dating but then stuffed happen. It's not like I can really do much about it. I do get sick of this friend zone thing but all I can do is laugh it off.

But, I'm not just talking about Terri, I'm also talking about yiwen, the third. Regardless of her being in a relationship, I still have to say she's an important woman in my life. Like I'll admit it I might still like her, like maybe it's more than friends. The thing is even though I like her I can't see us dating at all. It's just after seeing her up close with wanyou and stuff, I just think I'm not a boyfriend material for her.

Do I think I'm a good boyfriend material for terri? Well, I reckon I would be. But clearly it doesn't matter. She's seeing Cosmo and I don't wanna get in their way, because I'm just a little bitch.

The Flame

When or why did I start liking? Was it that day she wore the flashy raincoat and stood out in the gloomy mass? Or was it the constant exposure to her kindness and attentiveness? Whenever it was, I've always thought that it was an infatuation at first. But, it wasn't in the end. My feeelings kept growing stronger and stronger. It was burning more brightly and vigorously than before, because I thought she might have feelings for me. But, I sat there for way too long just to think that this feeling will eventually fade. It never really did. So I thought I would start working on it. I thought I would give an honest effort, treating her specially and devoting all my time and attention on to her. I did my part for sure, it wasn't too hard. Sometimes you get lonely waiting for and sometimes you get anxious waiting for her. But, the waiting game wasn't bad. I finally convinced myself to get serious with my feelings however it was already to late. Another started to make the move. The way he did it was different, it was more of physical contact thing compared to emotional. I got quite jealous and desperate. I could never be like that, you know, I'm never about that kinda swag. I simply follow my heart and hopefully she accepts a piece of it. Even under the influence of drugs I wouldnt do that, because I know it would no longer be genuine. Those cases to me would only be considered  lust but I'm not about that. I was just looking for someone to date and I thought I saw that in her. Well she's NOw seeing the guy, he's a cool dude and I don't have anything against him. Maybe the only thing I'm worried about him is whether he's going for a serious relationship and not coming to realise that it was better to stay as friends. Nonetheless, I think I'm happy for them despite being quite bitter about how I never really got an opportunity to do my part. Maybe I did get an opportunity but I threw it away. I honestly thought I could give a serious effort after the exams but it's a little late. I thought for once I could deliver a proper confession on this girl and that will move her. I thought we could spend more time together. I thought maybe there could be an us and we. I thought about many things. But, those thoughts and feelings are going unannounced and I don't think you've ever thought or felt that way. This time, it was just me having feelings and you've never noticed it. Time will pass and these flames will die leaving nothing more than ashes. 

This is the fourth-Terri Ke.

Love me

From today, I guess I should let her go for a while or completely. I don't think there's a room for me and right now I don't have room for commitment as well. I'm not saying I'm going to give up on her just yet, because my feelings for her is still quite intense. Instead, I should leave it at a ceasefire and do something about myself. I want to start to learn to love myself before I even start to like anyone else or continue to pursue her. For the time being, I should catch up with the old friends I've lost. She might be taken soon but what happens then is what happens.

The Teacher

What I fear the most is that my relationship is only one that exists between pupil and teacher. That kind of relationship is rather dangerous, because you get all source of attention and trust but they are just false alarms. You are trusted but not someone that she likes but more of a resource that's readily available to her. Why I say this? Because it was what happened between me and yiwen at first. Why am I making the same mistake? Because teaching and giving guidance happened to be only few things I'm good at. But, then this situation was different from before I guess. Before, I was thrusted myself at yiwen through offering my support. This time, I was helping her as a fellow peer, but then I fell in love. Reasons as to why I like her? Well I'll discuss about that in the next chapter. But right now, I just want to believe that we are not just a student  and a tutor, talking because of studies. I want to believe that we have something more to work on. And I want to believe that she feels something of this kind as well.

Writing

Learning to write with flair is pretty difficult. I no longer read nor do I spend time putting my own thoughts to paper. All I could do now is come up with a sea of ideas, but never have I really captured that scene on paper. One book has always inspired me to write. Well, two books to be exact. They are "The Sense of an Ending" by Julian Barnes and "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby. It isn't that they produce explosion of vibrant images, using stimulating imageries or stunning juxtaposition, but its about the chemistry these words have formed with me. The words appear simple, but they establish a connection where you really think the person in the novel is you. Maybe, it is because of the similarity between the main character and I, how we are both sexual failures, except I'm probably in a more utterly dire situation compared to them. But, I really like that resigned, contemplative mood the novelist creates. It really does draw out experience and reality. I also enjoy this feeling of being old and coming into the state where you are willing to accept all consequences and all past failures that are no longer amenable. It hints a calming death, a silent and peaceful one where the old man smiles because he has had more than enough of what he had asked for.