Talk

I am actually dying to talk to someone. I am also dying to see other people. It is killing me that I can't talk to anyone. But what makes things worst is that I begin to waver about starting a conversation with anyone when I get a chance. I don't know why. I want to talk. I want to talk about something that is relevant. I want to talk about your life. But somehow there is an ominous force within myself that is stopping me. Also I want to find a penfriend, because I want to write and talk about something with substance.

Struggle

I have been struggling against Arthur's belief for a long time. Arthur is the perfect antagonist. He destroys people to their bones. He can reach deep into your bones and begin to devour every marrow, every cell within it. However, he does not do this physically, he does it with words and schemes. He targets people mentally and belittle others. He is a devil. He corrupts purity and innocence. He transforms virtue to evilness. He is an ominous influence that cannot be stopped. There is no way of stopping him. 

I just don't want to be like him. I have been fighting his belief and character for a long time. It is not easy because everything he says is credible and unarguable. He has a sharp tongue which isn't sprinkled in sugar but dipped in pungent mustard. He speaks the truth and it is not pretty at all. He talks about his own reaction to such truths. The way he approaches things is not human. He isn't human. He is way too realistic and cruel. He is good with words, but too good with it that he began to seek the negative energy within it. Slowly, he is having an effect on me. Slowly, I am beginning to see his view and I am becoming more and more like him. The day I see the reflection in the mirror and see him, it will be the end of me.  God bless him.

Lost

I am lost today. I could not find my way out of anything. It seems as though i am lost in my own emotions and lost in my own anticipation of the future. However, i do not know what atrocities the future decides to visit upon, nor do i know what steps i should take next. I am not afraid of taking wrong roads even though wrong roads will highlight your mistakes. And, namely, "mistakes can be substituted with the word experience". So despite the loss in these wrong roads, i still gain something out of it and this will somehow lead me back to the right path? Is it alright to be lost? I will say this hesitantly, for I am still young. The road is a long way ahead of me and I shouldn't be saying much about it if I don't know where it will lead me. Like my father told me : "i still haven't chewed on enough rice to know anything about life".

Neutralisation

"Your marks are like neutralisation". Well, Enoch is right about this. My maths and English marks tend to neutralise each other out. More appropriately, they tend to balance each other out. I call this retribution to the means. It follows the principle of "for every good thing you get, you also receive a bad thing equivalent to the worth of the good". My recent exams marks are perfect examples of this phenomenon. My 100% in 4U mathematics is 'neutralised' by my 36% in English. Good grace, my English mark is terrible. If I do weigh my maths with my English, I do think there is a greater loss in the low English mark as compared to my result in mathematics. But what can I do? The past cannot be undone. 

However, despite all this retribution to the means, I don't think the belief of "you get back the effort you put in". Not for this English viva voce assessment at least (which is totally irrelevant). For that exam, I've neglected all my other subjects to prepare for it. Hours and hours on writing and notes, and I went as far as videotaping myself speaking to a 1990s model voice recorder like a lunatic. But what did I get back? 36%.............

Phoneless

So... Dad took my phone once again. One would question how much can a Nokia affect my studies? Honestly, not too much, but every once in a while I do get distracted by people. Or to be more exact, I have a tendency to distract other people. Anyways, my phone is gone. I am not really too upset about it. But I will miss the little talks I have with the people I text. Yes, yes our little talks... I just hope that this does not segregate us further apart. I just don't want to be distant from you guys. If you guys do see me on the streets, please come up behind and tap me on the shoulders. I would greatly appreciate it. My only manner to reach out to the external world is through this blog. I would try to write consistently and emulate the little talks in this in some way.

Animals

I don't get my parents. What is wrong with becoming a vet? When I mentioned that I might consider becoming a vet, I was scolded for it. Like what the hell. I just don't understand Chinese parent's judgements. They base everything upon stereotypes. It is stupid, they think they know the world, but really they don't. Seeing things superficially is equivalent to not seeing things at all. I do not accept your argument about not being able to progress in future by being a vet man. No roads are limited, the society is constantly changing so even in the job of being a veterinarian scientist, my roads will often go through rough terrains. And plus, I don't want to do anything big. I just want to live safely and comfortably. I just want to settle down early. By the way, your comment about people who deal with animals will grow a sexual affection to them is invalid. Get your mind right.