Today, I came to an understanding of how I wanted my relationships to proceed and why I have always wanted to be in a relationship. It has been a rough day, but I am not here to complain about lonely I’ve been feeling but instead I am here to shed light in how I view and treasure relationships.
I shall begin talking about the mannerism in trying to “get a girl”. I like to think of it as a way of lighting a candle which is quite reflective of the pleasure I find in watching things burn. The way I like to make someone fall for me is like a gradual process of dosing them with kindness and warmth. I word it as though it is a form of poisoning and drugging for now but love in itself is a drug. I like to bear a slight warm presence next to people and make them appreciate this kind of existence is not confronting and comfortable, hopefully they appreciate it. The effect it bears is similar to a candle: you light up in the dark, at first you wonder how strange and inefficient the light can be, but gradually you’ll get used to the flickers and find the subtle warm and comfort it gives off. However, it definitely hasn’t worked well at least not on ahry not on Terri and not on Yiwen. As for Linna, I did let go of my own dignity somewhere along the line. I like it this way because I don’t have a strong character, I like to sit in the neutral zone and I like harmony.....
In one way, that may sound really insecure, but lately I am willing to admit that I am perhaps quite insecure. I definitely won’t let my insecurity affect other people. I like to set boundaries, I won’t let my own personal problems intrude other people’s life. I just don’t want to die alone I guess or more like be buried alone. In the end, all this comes down to the sense of belonging. I crave that feeling where you enter a room and you know that there is your spot next to a certain person all this time, instead of coming in and look for an empty seat and fill in the blanks. This feeling became more apparently at Paul’s birthday where we went to a buffet and I originally had a spot across Landy, but Simon and Daniel sat down and, after getting my first platter of food, I’ve been pushed all the way to the other side of the table. Truly the stuff guys do for a girl I probably did something like that as well but I’m moving on, because I know something for certain I will definitely not be able to get that from Ahry. Perhaps all this time Julia has been right. Shes just a cute girl and I am only attracted to her physical appearance. I feel like even after a whole year, I know very little about her. But is it really my fault? Every time I try to provide some kind of warmth, a cold pot of water will be poured over to deny the ignition. Its been like that for awhile.
Also, I think I’m currently rebounding on Hillary, but I have an urge in me that’s motivating me to ask her out on a date instead of proceeding in my candle manner. It might be out of anger. It might be out of despair. Who knows and who cares. I’ve decided to stop messaging Ahry, after last night, I understood that this is how far I can go with ahry. I won’t be able to learn more about her, she isn’t going to open up to me and we don’t see things the same way.
