The Flame

When or why did I start liking? Was it that day she wore the flashy raincoat and stood out in the gloomy mass? Or was it the constant exposure to her kindness and attentiveness? Whenever it was, I've always thought that it was an infatuation at first. But, it wasn't in the end. My feeelings kept growing stronger and stronger. It was burning more brightly and vigorously than before, because I thought she might have feelings for me. But, I sat there for way too long just to think that this feeling will eventually fade. It never really did. So I thought I would start working on it. I thought I would give an honest effort, treating her specially and devoting all my time and attention on to her. I did my part for sure, it wasn't too hard. Sometimes you get lonely waiting for and sometimes you get anxious waiting for her. But, the waiting game wasn't bad. I finally convinced myself to get serious with my feelings however it was already to late. Another started to make the move. The way he did it was different, it was more of physical contact thing compared to emotional. I got quite jealous and desperate. I could never be like that, you know, I'm never about that kinda swag. I simply follow my heart and hopefully she accepts a piece of it. Even under the influence of drugs I wouldnt do that, because I know it would no longer be genuine. Those cases to me would only be considered  lust but I'm not about that. I was just looking for someone to date and I thought I saw that in her. Well she's NOw seeing the guy, he's a cool dude and I don't have anything against him. Maybe the only thing I'm worried about him is whether he's going for a serious relationship and not coming to realise that it was better to stay as friends. Nonetheless, I think I'm happy for them despite being quite bitter about how I never really got an opportunity to do my part. Maybe I did get an opportunity but I threw it away. I honestly thought I could give a serious effort after the exams but it's a little late. I thought for once I could deliver a proper confession on this girl and that will move her. I thought we could spend more time together. I thought maybe there could be an us and we. I thought about many things. But, those thoughts and feelings are going unannounced and I don't think you've ever thought or felt that way. This time, it was just me having feelings and you've never noticed it. Time will pass and these flames will die leaving nothing more than ashes. 

This is the fourth-Terri Ke.

Love me

From today, I guess I should let her go for a while or completely. I don't think there's a room for me and right now I don't have room for commitment as well. I'm not saying I'm going to give up on her just yet, because my feelings for her is still quite intense. Instead, I should leave it at a ceasefire and do something about myself. I want to start to learn to love myself before I even start to like anyone else or continue to pursue her. For the time being, I should catch up with the old friends I've lost. She might be taken soon but what happens then is what happens.

The Teacher

What I fear the most is that my relationship is only one that exists between pupil and teacher. That kind of relationship is rather dangerous, because you get all source of attention and trust but they are just false alarms. You are trusted but not someone that she likes but more of a resource that's readily available to her. Why I say this? Because it was what happened between me and yiwen at first. Why am I making the same mistake? Because teaching and giving guidance happened to be only few things I'm good at. But, then this situation was different from before I guess. Before, I was thrusted myself at yiwen through offering my support. This time, I was helping her as a fellow peer, but then I fell in love. Reasons as to why I like her? Well I'll discuss about that in the next chapter. But right now, I just want to believe that we are not just a student  and a tutor, talking because of studies. I want to believe that we have something more to work on. And I want to believe that she feels something of this kind as well.