Zootopia

Current Group: Zootopia
Members: Elton Cheng, Yiwen Sun, Ga Yee Lee, Angela Ryu, Paul Kim
Today, I'm going to talk about my group. I guess I constructed the group. Actually no, it was more of a group effort, it came together through the participation of all members. But, I guess I was the one who really wanted to keep it as the 5 of us. But it was only under one condition where no one dates each other.  Days go by and, as time passes, you can't really stop things from happening. I guess I'll explain the current condition and what is bound to happen before I start talking about myself.

The first pair to form was Yiwen and Ga Yee. To be honest, it wasn't that unexpected. For me, Yiwen started to change during Christmas. She began to talk to me less and less. I felt it, but then I was too busy in the frenzy of catching up with my own school friends. Eventually, they became a lot closer and I gradually became distant to Yiwen, and this was before the break up with Wanyou even began. I got lost somewhere around here and I'm still lost I guess in what have, what I want and what I need. After the breakup, they obviously got even closer and it took a while before I could pick myself up and hang out with Yiwen again. The first spark I witness was on the day we drank at Hanabi with Julia and Simon. People think I'm naive for thinking that holding hands could mean anything as to the start of something. In this case, I was quite accurate about it. However, I strongly believed that Yiwen will get back with Wanyou. I guess the day where they made out in my room hit me hardest, because I knew from the bottom of the heart that more things will happen. I didn't believe it was an accident and Yiwen certainly didn't make it sound like an accident. Logically, "going with the flow" doesn't really explain a solution to an "accident". I never really confronted her about it, but even if I did, it's not like anything would change. That was also the reason why I didn't go against their relationship. Esther said I should've been mad and throw a fit, but I'm quite done the little insignificance I bear in other people's life. I guess I'm coping quite fine with it right now. I knew there was something on after Porter because Yiwen began to go Lidcombe quite often. I am quite glad they told me that they started to date first, but it was never like I had a choice to say no.

Angela and Paul is coming close to each other as well and I could see something happen between them as well. People may think that they are just really close, but then there's a limit to being close, and they are beyond that level of closeness. If nothing happens, then I seriously questions their intelligence and emotions. But, if something happens, then what will happen to me? Probably be an extra, being nothing more than a spare tyre. Looking at how close all the others are, it makes me wonder whose really the one just for me. I may have been wanting to date for a while. But, I am looking for someone to date? Or am I looking for someone to talk to? Or am I looking some to look after me? I think I just wanted to be saved by someone, but Linna said 'no one's going to save you, you need to get out there and find your own shelter.'. She's right, but I don't have much time to go out and I am getting used to being alone. Sometimes, I do worry about whether I'll be too accustomed to it that I end up dying alone. I guess one thing I don't want to happen in the future is to be buried alone, I really want to be bury next to someone I know, someone other than parents for once. But when that happens, I'll worry about what to do.

Well, I think everyone's trying to look for a six member. The others are trying to get Ahry into the group, but then Ahry is just a crush I guess. My crush for Ahry stimulated from holding hands. Holding hands is something I hold quite dear and I'm not the type to touch other girls. I do respect girls that much and I guess I'm really innocent in that sense. I've only held hands with three girls in my life: Linna, Eugenia and Ahry. I have never held hands with my own mum, so yeh....... I don't really want to bring Ahry into this group, because I know that stuff isn't really going to work out between us. She may be pretty and cute, but is that what I really want? We just help hands and leaned against each other, but I want someone who looks at me and someone who talks to me. I'm going to try to talk to her for another few weeks, if nothing happens, then I'll just carry on with my life. Probably, still end up talking but at least I won't be falling so hard for a girl ever again if I were to get nothing in return.

What I really want to do is find myself again, but I don't know where to start. It's weird to say this but I'm lost between sadness and happiness, hope and despair. I'm quite frustrated with the fact that I'm not able to draw a clear line between things in my life. I may be trying hard to study right now, but how long is that going to keep me alive?