Hi all,
It has been a very long time since I've came back to this. Initially, I made this blog page because I wanted to document my life at university. As you guys can see, that didn't really happen, and it is quite ironic how I am revisiting this page at the end of my university life. I lost commitment and I lost interest. There had been moments during those 5 years, where I wanted to write something about my life and the way I feel. I made new blog pages, new website. However, I never really wanted to do that for my own sake. I wanted to write so that I can become famous, and I can be inspiring for others. I came back here hoping to inspire others but I'm also doing it to express who I am, and this time I've decided to put more effort into it. I was going to delete all my previous posts and start afresh, but in the end, I've decided to keep them as they are inherently a part of myself and reflect on who I am back then.
I admit that I have changed in some way and, of course, with life, there will always be good changes and bad changes. Instead of naming those changes, I would like to demonstrate them slowly through each and every one of my stories. Instead of just telling you guys who I want to be and who I think I am, I want you all to get to know me through what I've done, how I live, how I think and how I feel. I hope you all will have an enjoyable read and I'm looking forward to you guys revisiting my stories every now and then.
Today, I would like to talk about something that happened since yesterday. Last night, my workplace, Ted Baker, decided to have a group meeting where we discuss about our lives and look after each other for R U OK day. It was a really light-hearted meeting, we talked about the little things that guided us through COVID-19 and played games to build our relationship. There was a game that really enlightened me, it was called "We're just friends". It is a game where prompts are set up and each person will be asked some sensitive, deep, or meaningful questions. If anyone is interested, then you will find it through this link: https://werejustfriends.online/.
A question that really got to me last night was "Have you ever told someone I love you but didn't mean it? If so, why?'. As soon as I saw this question, I had an answer in my head. Unlike most people, this wasn't really about any romantic partners I had in the past. For me, this was about my mother. My mother left me at a very young stage and, from what I remember, she didn't really treat me well. As I was growing up, she did try to amend our relationship by looking out for me, caring for me and asking me to hang out. I really appreciate her for doing that and I also try my best to do as many things as I can with her. Often, my mom would tell me "I love you" in Chinese. In the beginning, I didn't really know how to handle it and I pretended I didn't hear it and moved forward with our conversations. As I grew up, I've learnt how hard it is for my mother and how she probably feels guilty about not being a part of my upbringing. I was aware of it, and I started to actively say "I love you" to her. For me this was probably the hardest words I've said because I felt very guilty about it, however, I wanted to give my mother validation of her efforts and fulfil my duties as a child.
My workmates were shocked by my response, but they were being accommodating by not diving too deep into the story. Sensibly enough, Erica asked me how I understood the feeling of love. This was a relatively hard question for me because I haven't felt much love when I was growing up. There was never any woman growing up with me as my household was surrounded by men, and, as you would expect, men don't really know how to express their emotions. I wouldn't dare say that I wasn't loved but I never really felt it. My definition of love is "the willingness to care and commit unconditionally". I explained why I can't love my mother is because I can't commit unconditionally. I've tried to do it before, but no matter how hard I try, I felt that there was a voice in my head that reminds me that she never considered me during her divorcement. This voice could also be subjected to the brainwashing my dad did when I was growing up, but I am going to save that for another day.
After the meeting, I did do some research about what love is. Google said that "Love is a set of emotions and behaviours characterised by intimacy, passion, and commitment." To some extent, I would agree. It is such an intense emotion that makes you want to care, protect, trust, commit, sacrifice, and feel for someone. I think the most important thing is that you are doing this for someone, and you are willing to put yourself behind these priorities.
As important as the act of loving someone, I think it is also very important that we should let them know that they are loved, especially for kids and your partner. This isn't limited to the feeling of love, I think we should also ask people how they feel. Many people are not willing to express their emotions because they think they lose a part of themselves. However, what they should realise is that, in the process of exchanging emotions, the void from expressing their feelings is made up by the attention from the people they care about. This is idea behind R U OK day, we should look out for people who we care about and also people who care about us. We should also be doing this everyday in the future. Anyways, that is all I like to say for today as I have other responsibilities that I need to fulfil. Thank you for taking your time and hope you have a happy and easy-going life.
PS This post was dated in 2021.
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