Decisions in indecisions

The korea trip has made me realise quite a few things. One of the most significant thing that happened was me- I have broken one of my codes, my disciplines and made out with a girl. It was quite funny, unexpected and unacceptable at the same time. Although memories were blurry, I do kind of remember the events that led up it. 

It was dark and it was dizzy, I was at the point of intoxication where I want to be left alone and not be disturbed. Having a table at club is quite a splendid idea, I was pleased by having a spot and enjoyed the hallucinating sensation within the murkiness of the club. There was a white shadow that swayed from left to right and remained in front of me for a while. I took note and i took note again as it swayed. Once, twice, three and four times…. I lost count and i walked up, tapped her on the shoulder and gestured her to follow me.

She smiled and grabbed me by my hands. Funny how i wasn’t the one who held her hand first. I asked her if she wanted a drink, she smiled. We drank, we exchanged conversation on notes and i found pleasure after hearing her name was Jihyun. We danced and then we made out.

I don’t remember how it felt but nonetheless it was my first kiss. Unfortunately, it was quite regretful for being my first kiss but what is done is done. 

Now i come to tell you as to why I kissed her. I present an evidence from that night. It was meant to be secret, but this blog is one of my secrets.

“ What are the chances between us 

It's slim but then I start to think about the the jihyun in very beginning and the. I think about the jihyun that is now

And there it is the thought ahry comes to run down the waterfall

Steeply

But smoothly 

We all know what it's our …..”

When I was drunk that night, I composed this poem. It is incomplete and up until now I still wonder what finished this poem. Our what? Why didn’t I finish it? What was I trying to say? In the hours of being hangover, I thought about that night lie between the possibility of my feelings for my idealistic form of romance and my despair. I sounded desperate perhaps. But it became clear to me that I might’ve kissed her because her name was Jihyun. But that would mean I might have feelings for Jihyun. I don’t know what I wanted to achieve out of this but Im sure that Im at a crisis where I have two people I like. I still wanted it to be Ahry. But Ahry and I haven’t been working out, although lately, ahry suspiciously started messaging me more. Perhaps its a sign that we are more natural with each other, but I’m being cautious. I have to figure out what i want wiht jihyun and if i found an answer. Im going for it and putting my friendship at risk.

From hands to eyes

It has been awhile since I mention Ahry on this. For your information, we still talk. A lot of people have commented on how I still talk to her. Some say it is more than sufficient, echoing in my ears would be the very question "are you expecting more?". At first I didn't seem like a problem, but just yesterday it started to get to me.

I had brunch with Ahry alone for the first time since Yumcha. I would consider this was the first time we came out to eat together out of friendship or whatever. Yumcha was more of a reparation for the accident at Porter, despite how optimistic I was, I did come to that conclusion. Brunch was going fine, we talked, we exchanged eye contact, we are, we laughed. It was quite fine and she smiled a lot and they were brilliant smiles. I teased her like I used to and there was that. Hemi and her mate coincidentally ate on the table next to us. I don't think they thought much about ahry and I, like they probably did assume stuff but why wouldn't them? Anyways, that was brunch and it was perfectly fine. I teased her like how I did after I started to get over her.

I thought everything was fine as it would seem.

I would also like to add that lately I got closer with landy through Skype study. For those who don't know, landy and ahry are what they call bff, people who tell each other everything share everything. I sometimes joke to her about how I liked ahry and she dont seemed that bothered by it.

Last night's conversation with Landy took a different turn. She told me things that I should've known or seen with my own eyes, but she told me in the end. I was quite disappointed in my own behaviour and I knew straightaway I should've done better or should be doing better. At that moment, a burn resided in my body to remind me how little I knew about Ahry and what have I been looking at for the past few months.

What I have also accepted is that I may have like Ahry simply based on appearance before. She is a cute girl and a very cute one and perhaps that's why I was overjoyed when she took my hand at Porter. People would think that my liking is really superficial and shallow. For me, I don't see much problem at the start, you need something to get you started and historically appearance always is the easiest option. What I failed to do is work beyond that, and this notion had kept me awake through the night. After hanging with her for so long, it is a little hopeless of me to understand her a little and look at stuff in her perspective. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't being a dick, like I have been caring but it felt like a paternal care in a way. 

I thought about it endlessly and I know I want to work on it again. It might be crashed again, but I want to work on it again. That cycles never ended in my head and in the background rings Landy's question " do you think ahry ever liked you?"

I thought we've established that she didn't already.

Wreckage

If life is about money, then I'm broke. If life is about love, then I'm broken. If life is about human relationship, then that is also breaking apart. It is quite funny how I'm making myself sound like I'm always going through a mid life crisis. "Mid life crisis for a twenty year old" at least has quite a nice catch to it. I've been making mistakes, mistakes that I shouldn't have made. It should have been quite obvious to never trust strangers. But trusting strangers has been one of my own defence mechanics in making sure I don't get hurt from people I like and people who are my friends. It is ironic how I trust a stranger more than my friends. It is probably because of the anonymousness. The fact that they view with a shallow or no filter makes it rather more pleasant. However, lately that view is shattered, I'm not gonna tell you what I did, cause it was simply too stupid of a mistake to make. I will reassure you it's not what you are probably thinking about, it was probably I'll solve at one part of my life. But yeh not that. Lately it has become self evident that I'm stupid. I shouldn't trust a stranger and I shouldn't trust friends as well. In the end, I probably just have myself. Or will I end up looking at myself with minimal expectation as well?

The Pre

The saga between Ahry and I also came to an end. This time it wasn't as hard I guess but it is quite weird because I still have feelings for her but it doesn't hurt. Anyways, we talked and in the end I said  I want us to be friends". But can guys and girls be friends if they are close? Not really if they are both straight cause "something has to happen". Part of that is what makes life fun because people want "something to happen". Sometimes that something works out for both, sometimes that something ends up hurting someone. Unfortunately for me, something hurts. But before I talk about tht I will go through how I saw this girl called Ahry before I liked her.
The first time I stalked her would probably be during the phase when I liked Yiwen. She popped up in a conversation with Enoch where he said something about I didn't know yiwen is friends with Ahry. But the first encounter was during knockout. I faintly remember her being with us at knockout, not sure whether it was for the whole night though. At that point, I didn't care much about her, I was struggles to not get disheartened by Terri and Cosmo. By the way, they didn't end up dating which I  felt regrettable for some time. Maybe I could've tried harder. I guess the only thing I remember from that time was asking her how she was getting home and she said her sister was going to pick her up. Right now, I can't be certain whether I asked her out of courtesy or not. I don't think I wanted to really take her home. I added her on Facebook the next day, but I didn't talk to her simply because she was only a cute girl and I didn't think I'll ever see her again.
After that, she came say hi when paul yiwen and I were playing pool. Again, I kept my minimal exposure.
On her birthday, February the 10, I believe I didn't know why but I sent her a happy birthday message  and I didn't know why I did it. I rarely write happy birthday on other people's wall and most of the times it's through messages. I can't remember why I sent it, but on thing to note is that I pulled the triggered for the next series of events myself I guess. But thinking like that is harmful to the mind. The exchange was simple. Happy birthday and a thank you.
About a week after that, she added me on snapchat out of nowhere. I don't know why but she did it. I still want to know now but maybe I'll ask when things are actually alright between us. She said it was trough quick add, but like why did you add me and how did you find my snapchat. Those were what I wanted to know. I did think she might've been interested in me but I didn't let that delude myself back then. But during a conversation, she said nice convo starter and that triggered me and I was like guck this chick not talking her again. But did it happen? I don't think so. Because porter Robinson happened soon afterwards and I will describe that night in detail in my next post Shelter.

Curtains

Every now and then, a song pops up in my head. What was that song called again? The one that goes like "well you put on quite a show, really had me going. But now it's time to go curtains finally closing...." When I first listened to it as a 14 year old, I didn't think much about it. It just sounded really nice. But as you age, you slowly understood the words and the meaning of it reaches out to you. I'm probably going through another depressive maniac stage again. It's probably because I popped and I do know how unattractive it is and how unattractive I feel about myself. Every single sad song resonates in your heart and it kinda opens up old wounds and at the name time induces new wounds upon yourself. But funny thing is these wounds are made by myself. In the end I have no one to blame for overthinking and I have no one to blame for liking another person. But then songs like this distorts your mind a little, because it tells you that it's okay to blame it on someone else. For me, that song kinda guided to think that others were always the one leading me on. And that i can be selfish and think that it's alright I have a right to let go. In reality I just want an excuse to let go but letting go also requires courage. Ironically, trying to let go takes as much courage as confessing to someone. But it's a different kind of courage. It's more of a courage that's embedded in sadness and anger. Having a reason to hate makes it easier to let go. Being disappointed is one way to let go and being angry is another way. It's the same courage but it's no longer stimulate by care, love and hope. Everyone is looking for a happy ending. I want one myself and I'm being literal about it. I'm quite sick waiting all these curtains close upon dissatisfaction and disappointment. 

Old Days New Days

"Tomorrow will not be the same as today", this saying is what have been governing the foundation of humanity and life throughout history. For a depressed person, tomorrow becomes hope for a change in their life, they long for improvement and in time, they hope it will come to them. As for happy individuals, tomorrow is probably taken in a different way. Happy people don't worry about the future because they live in the present. Instantaneous gratification is one way to describe their feelings, but being happy will make people wonder whether tomorrow is going to be better or worse. Happy people are curious people and they live for tomorrow in the sense that they do not know life is going to throw at them. If they encounter a pile of shit, then they can blow it with "I've had good times". If the day is the same or better, then they have nothing to worry about. 

But, there are people who don't believe in changes. People who don't see the value of future being better than present. Those people sit in a zone called resignation, they don't see good things separate from bad things. In their mind, all they think about is good things will all become bad and in the end everything comes down to doom and destruction. These people would be considered to be unhealthy individuals.

Lately, I feel like that self-destructive mentality is taking over me. I wouldn't say the word again. Because before I was physically self-destructive, but now im intellectually and emotionally worn off. I would say I want to live, but I no longer have an desire for anything good to happen. I just hope that I dont get hurt as much and I hope I can find peace somewhere. The phase for finding myself has ended and I ultimately realised that with my current environment finding myself is hardly possible. My love life is once again a failure and I don't think I have the energy to continue to pursue it, and family issues continually hit me like a machine gun. I told myself that Tomorrow will not be the same as today many times in the last few years, but I said it to the point where the meaning of this saying no longer reach out to me. My father had been a liar, and my life have been a lie for quite some time as well. In the end, I've become one more sacrifice for this rat race called reality.

Turned Around

The people who you used to meet became people you only talk to. The people who you used to talk to people became people you only run into on the streets. The people who you used to run into on the streets became you walk around and avoid. Friendship between people changes all the time. Some friends stay with you forever. Some friends slow drift away from you. Some friends leave you and find someone better. Isn't it beautiful to have friends who stay with you forever? But, recently, I became really appreciative of my friendship with Yiwen and this really belonged in a different category compared to the above. 

We started off weirdly and we had quite a bumpy ride. However, in the end, we are still mates and probably closer than we have been before. I remember the days when I was trying to get over her and it was pretty hard. I guess she could be considered as to why I came to USYD and UNSW, I honestly thought she would go UNSW and I would never see her again in my life. I was the one who was being that person trying to run away and leaving everything behind me. In a way, I was forcing myself to move on even though I went nowhere. There was several incidences where I even tried to avoid her when I was at the station. 

It would be considered a miracle when I found out that we both went to the same university. I was quite confused as to why she was in front of me. Perhaps life was playing a joke on me again? Perhaps I had to bear this scar with me for another 5 years? I felt really reluctant to talk to her in the beginning, and never did i look into her eyes for a solid 2 months. But, one night I really did open up to her about my feelings for Eugenia and I think ever after that we got closer.

It was quite unexpected, though, I really thought I would never talk to her again and, in the end,  look at where we are now. I was really glad that I turned around and decided to talk to her again and this time she stayed and listened to me. I would consider her to have the greatest influence in my life. She is the storm that cause disrupts my usual life but she is also the sun that brings purpose in my life. 

What really got me into thinking this is Ahry and this oztag team? Would I have met Ahry without her? Would we build this oztag team which was one of my dreams in high school? Well, I did make a possible path of meeting Ahry but would I like her would be another issue. 

Nevertheless, thank you. Hopefully, you stay with me for a little longer, even though I have been mean and a dick to you. And about the precious posts, they were all real, but then truth changes as well.