From hands to eyes

It has been awhile since I mention Ahry on this. For your information, we still talk. A lot of people have commented on how I still talk to her. Some say it is more than sufficient, echoing in my ears would be the very question "are you expecting more?". At first I didn't seem like a problem, but just yesterday it started to get to me.

I had brunch with Ahry alone for the first time since Yumcha. I would consider this was the first time we came out to eat together out of friendship or whatever. Yumcha was more of a reparation for the accident at Porter, despite how optimistic I was, I did come to that conclusion. Brunch was going fine, we talked, we exchanged eye contact, we are, we laughed. It was quite fine and she smiled a lot and they were brilliant smiles. I teased her like I used to and there was that. Hemi and her mate coincidentally ate on the table next to us. I don't think they thought much about ahry and I, like they probably did assume stuff but why wouldn't them? Anyways, that was brunch and it was perfectly fine. I teased her like how I did after I started to get over her.

I thought everything was fine as it would seem.

I would also like to add that lately I got closer with landy through Skype study. For those who don't know, landy and ahry are what they call bff, people who tell each other everything share everything. I sometimes joke to her about how I liked ahry and she dont seemed that bothered by it.

Last night's conversation with Landy took a different turn. She told me things that I should've known or seen with my own eyes, but she told me in the end. I was quite disappointed in my own behaviour and I knew straightaway I should've done better or should be doing better. At that moment, a burn resided in my body to remind me how little I knew about Ahry and what have I been looking at for the past few months.

What I have also accepted is that I may have like Ahry simply based on appearance before. She is a cute girl and a very cute one and perhaps that's why I was overjoyed when she took my hand at Porter. People would think that my liking is really superficial and shallow. For me, I don't see much problem at the start, you need something to get you started and historically appearance always is the easiest option. What I failed to do is work beyond that, and this notion had kept me awake through the night. After hanging with her for so long, it is a little hopeless of me to understand her a little and look at stuff in her perspective. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't being a dick, like I have been caring but it felt like a paternal care in a way. 

I thought about it endlessly and I know I want to work on it again. It might be crashed again, but I want to work on it again. That cycles never ended in my head and in the background rings Landy's question " do you think ahry ever liked you?"

I thought we've established that she didn't already.

Wreckage

If life is about money, then I'm broke. If life is about love, then I'm broken. If life is about human relationship, then that is also breaking apart. It is quite funny how I'm making myself sound like I'm always going through a mid life crisis. "Mid life crisis for a twenty year old" at least has quite a nice catch to it. I've been making mistakes, mistakes that I shouldn't have made. It should have been quite obvious to never trust strangers. But trusting strangers has been one of my own defence mechanics in making sure I don't get hurt from people I like and people who are my friends. It is ironic how I trust a stranger more than my friends. It is probably because of the anonymousness. The fact that they view with a shallow or no filter makes it rather more pleasant. However, lately that view is shattered, I'm not gonna tell you what I did, cause it was simply too stupid of a mistake to make. I will reassure you it's not what you are probably thinking about, it was probably I'll solve at one part of my life. But yeh not that. Lately it has become self evident that I'm stupid. I shouldn't trust a stranger and I shouldn't trust friends as well. In the end, I probably just have myself. Or will I end up looking at myself with minimal expectation as well?

The Pre

The saga between Ahry and I also came to an end. This time it wasn't as hard I guess but it is quite weird because I still have feelings for her but it doesn't hurt. Anyways, we talked and in the end I said  I want us to be friends". But can guys and girls be friends if they are close? Not really if they are both straight cause "something has to happen". Part of that is what makes life fun because people want "something to happen". Sometimes that something works out for both, sometimes that something ends up hurting someone. Unfortunately for me, something hurts. But before I talk about tht I will go through how I saw this girl called Ahry before I liked her.
The first time I stalked her would probably be during the phase when I liked Yiwen. She popped up in a conversation with Enoch where he said something about I didn't know yiwen is friends with Ahry. But the first encounter was during knockout. I faintly remember her being with us at knockout, not sure whether it was for the whole night though. At that point, I didn't care much about her, I was struggles to not get disheartened by Terri and Cosmo. By the way, they didn't end up dating which I  felt regrettable for some time. Maybe I could've tried harder. I guess the only thing I remember from that time was asking her how she was getting home and she said her sister was going to pick her up. Right now, I can't be certain whether I asked her out of courtesy or not. I don't think I wanted to really take her home. I added her on Facebook the next day, but I didn't talk to her simply because she was only a cute girl and I didn't think I'll ever see her again.
After that, she came say hi when paul yiwen and I were playing pool. Again, I kept my minimal exposure.
On her birthday, February the 10, I believe I didn't know why but I sent her a happy birthday message  and I didn't know why I did it. I rarely write happy birthday on other people's wall and most of the times it's through messages. I can't remember why I sent it, but on thing to note is that I pulled the triggered for the next series of events myself I guess. But thinking like that is harmful to the mind. The exchange was simple. Happy birthday and a thank you.
About a week after that, she added me on snapchat out of nowhere. I don't know why but she did it. I still want to know now but maybe I'll ask when things are actually alright between us. She said it was trough quick add, but like why did you add me and how did you find my snapchat. Those were what I wanted to know. I did think she might've been interested in me but I didn't let that delude myself back then. But during a conversation, she said nice convo starter and that triggered me and I was like guck this chick not talking her again. But did it happen? I don't think so. Because porter Robinson happened soon afterwards and I will describe that night in detail in my next post Shelter.

Curtains

Every now and then, a song pops up in my head. What was that song called again? The one that goes like "well you put on quite a show, really had me going. But now it's time to go curtains finally closing...." When I first listened to it as a 14 year old, I didn't think much about it. It just sounded really nice. But as you age, you slowly understood the words and the meaning of it reaches out to you. I'm probably going through another depressive maniac stage again. It's probably because I popped and I do know how unattractive it is and how unattractive I feel about myself. Every single sad song resonates in your heart and it kinda opens up old wounds and at the name time induces new wounds upon yourself. But funny thing is these wounds are made by myself. In the end I have no one to blame for overthinking and I have no one to blame for liking another person. But then songs like this distorts your mind a little, because it tells you that it's okay to blame it on someone else. For me, that song kinda guided to think that others were always the one leading me on. And that i can be selfish and think that it's alright I have a right to let go. In reality I just want an excuse to let go but letting go also requires courage. Ironically, trying to let go takes as much courage as confessing to someone. But it's a different kind of courage. It's more of a courage that's embedded in sadness and anger. Having a reason to hate makes it easier to let go. Being disappointed is one way to let go and being angry is another way. It's the same courage but it's no longer stimulate by care, love and hope. Everyone is looking for a happy ending. I want one myself and I'm being literal about it. I'm quite sick waiting all these curtains close upon dissatisfaction and disappointment. 

Old Days New Days

"Tomorrow will not be the same as today", this saying is what have been governing the foundation of humanity and life throughout history. For a depressed person, tomorrow becomes hope for a change in their life, they long for improvement and in time, they hope it will come to them. As for happy individuals, tomorrow is probably taken in a different way. Happy people don't worry about the future because they live in the present. Instantaneous gratification is one way to describe their feelings, but being happy will make people wonder whether tomorrow is going to be better or worse. Happy people are curious people and they live for tomorrow in the sense that they do not know life is going to throw at them. If they encounter a pile of shit, then they can blow it with "I've had good times". If the day is the same or better, then they have nothing to worry about. 

But, there are people who don't believe in changes. People who don't see the value of future being better than present. Those people sit in a zone called resignation, they don't see good things separate from bad things. In their mind, all they think about is good things will all become bad and in the end everything comes down to doom and destruction. These people would be considered to be unhealthy individuals.

Lately, I feel like that self-destructive mentality is taking over me. I wouldn't say the word again. Because before I was physically self-destructive, but now im intellectually and emotionally worn off. I would say I want to live, but I no longer have an desire for anything good to happen. I just hope that I dont get hurt as much and I hope I can find peace somewhere. The phase for finding myself has ended and I ultimately realised that with my current environment finding myself is hardly possible. My love life is once again a failure and I don't think I have the energy to continue to pursue it, and family issues continually hit me like a machine gun. I told myself that Tomorrow will not be the same as today many times in the last few years, but I said it to the point where the meaning of this saying no longer reach out to me. My father had been a liar, and my life have been a lie for quite some time as well. In the end, I've become one more sacrifice for this rat race called reality.

Turned Around

The people who you used to meet became people you only talk to. The people who you used to talk to people became people you only run into on the streets. The people who you used to run into on the streets became you walk around and avoid. Friendship between people changes all the time. Some friends stay with you forever. Some friends slow drift away from you. Some friends leave you and find someone better. Isn't it beautiful to have friends who stay with you forever? But, recently, I became really appreciative of my friendship with Yiwen and this really belonged in a different category compared to the above. 

We started off weirdly and we had quite a bumpy ride. However, in the end, we are still mates and probably closer than we have been before. I remember the days when I was trying to get over her and it was pretty hard. I guess she could be considered as to why I came to USYD and UNSW, I honestly thought she would go UNSW and I would never see her again in my life. I was the one who was being that person trying to run away and leaving everything behind me. In a way, I was forcing myself to move on even though I went nowhere. There was several incidences where I even tried to avoid her when I was at the station. 

It would be considered a miracle when I found out that we both went to the same university. I was quite confused as to why she was in front of me. Perhaps life was playing a joke on me again? Perhaps I had to bear this scar with me for another 5 years? I felt really reluctant to talk to her in the beginning, and never did i look into her eyes for a solid 2 months. But, one night I really did open up to her about my feelings for Eugenia and I think ever after that we got closer.

It was quite unexpected, though, I really thought I would never talk to her again and, in the end,  look at where we are now. I was really glad that I turned around and decided to talk to her again and this time she stayed and listened to me. I would consider her to have the greatest influence in my life. She is the storm that cause disrupts my usual life but she is also the sun that brings purpose in my life. 

What really got me into thinking this is Ahry and this oztag team? Would I have met Ahry without her? Would we build this oztag team which was one of my dreams in high school? Well, I did make a possible path of meeting Ahry but would I like her would be another issue. 

Nevertheless, thank you. Hopefully, you stay with me for a little longer, even though I have been mean and a dick to you. And about the precious posts, they were all real, but then truth changes as well.

Flow

Over time feelings grow and falls and piles up like snowflakes dropping down from the clouds. 

Over time the dreams and wishes that you abandon come surging back to you.

Over time you turn around to look for what you had back then.

Over time the unchanging smiles you longed for turned sour and dull.

Over time maturity and serenity becomes bland and boring.

Over time the past brushed across just like the wind slipping across the horizon.

All this time you have been watching these thing happen to you. It seemed so close to you yet so far and unreachable and inevitable.

You begin to ask with a wavering voice "why did all this happen? Can i go back to how it was before? Or maybe can some things stay the same?"

You are being to convince yourself that you are not that strong, unwilling to admit that you are weak and you wanted protection.

"Could someone hold on to my hands and help me find the feelings that I've lost?"

Your voice resounds with anxiety and certainty. 

Then someone comes out to grab your hand but you feel it sliding out of your hand that very moment as well. You gripped onto it harder and its presence calms you. 

Zootopia

Current Group: Zootopia
Members: Elton Cheng, Yiwen Sun, Ga Yee Lee, Angela Ryu, Paul Kim
Today, I'm going to talk about my group. I guess I constructed the group. Actually no, it was more of a group effort, it came together through the participation of all members. But, I guess I was the one who really wanted to keep it as the 5 of us. But it was only under one condition where no one dates each other.  Days go by and, as time passes, you can't really stop things from happening. I guess I'll explain the current condition and what is bound to happen before I start talking about myself.

The first pair to form was Yiwen and Ga Yee. To be honest, it wasn't that unexpected. For me, Yiwen started to change during Christmas. She began to talk to me less and less. I felt it, but then I was too busy in the frenzy of catching up with my own school friends. Eventually, they became a lot closer and I gradually became distant to Yiwen, and this was before the break up with Wanyou even began. I got lost somewhere around here and I'm still lost I guess in what have, what I want and what I need. After the breakup, they obviously got even closer and it took a while before I could pick myself up and hang out with Yiwen again. The first spark I witness was on the day we drank at Hanabi with Julia and Simon. People think I'm naive for thinking that holding hands could mean anything as to the start of something. In this case, I was quite accurate about it. However, I strongly believed that Yiwen will get back with Wanyou. I guess the day where they made out in my room hit me hardest, because I knew from the bottom of the heart that more things will happen. I didn't believe it was an accident and Yiwen certainly didn't make it sound like an accident. Logically, "going with the flow" doesn't really explain a solution to an "accident". I never really confronted her about it, but even if I did, it's not like anything would change. That was also the reason why I didn't go against their relationship. Esther said I should've been mad and throw a fit, but I'm quite done the little insignificance I bear in other people's life. I guess I'm coping quite fine with it right now. I knew there was something on after Porter because Yiwen began to go Lidcombe quite often. I am quite glad they told me that they started to date first, but it was never like I had a choice to say no.

Angela and Paul is coming close to each other as well and I could see something happen between them as well. People may think that they are just really close, but then there's a limit to being close, and they are beyond that level of closeness. If nothing happens, then I seriously questions their intelligence and emotions. But, if something happens, then what will happen to me? Probably be an extra, being nothing more than a spare tyre. Looking at how close all the others are, it makes me wonder whose really the one just for me. I may have been wanting to date for a while. But, I am looking for someone to date? Or am I looking for someone to talk to? Or am I looking some to look after me? I think I just wanted to be saved by someone, but Linna said 'no one's going to save you, you need to get out there and find your own shelter.'. She's right, but I don't have much time to go out and I am getting used to being alone. Sometimes, I do worry about whether I'll be too accustomed to it that I end up dying alone. I guess one thing I don't want to happen in the future is to be buried alone, I really want to be bury next to someone I know, someone other than parents for once. But when that happens, I'll worry about what to do.

Well, I think everyone's trying to look for a six member. The others are trying to get Ahry into the group, but then Ahry is just a crush I guess. My crush for Ahry stimulated from holding hands. Holding hands is something I hold quite dear and I'm not the type to touch other girls. I do respect girls that much and I guess I'm really innocent in that sense. I've only held hands with three girls in my life: Linna, Eugenia and Ahry. I have never held hands with my own mum, so yeh....... I don't really want to bring Ahry into this group, because I know that stuff isn't really going to work out between us. She may be pretty and cute, but is that what I really want? We just help hands and leaned against each other, but I want someone who looks at me and someone who talks to me. I'm going to try to talk to her for another few weeks, if nothing happens, then I'll just carry on with my life. Probably, still end up talking but at least I won't be falling so hard for a girl ever again if I were to get nothing in return.

What I really want to do is find myself again, but I don't know where to start. It's weird to say this but I'm lost between sadness and happiness, hope and despair. I'm quite frustrated with the fact that I'm not able to draw a clear line between things in my life. I may be trying hard to study right now, but how long is that going to keep me alive?

Runaway

So after watching sad stories, I finally remembered when the hardest moment of my life, in terms of love life was. It was that day I ran from home. It wasn't just because of a girl, Linna if you guys don't know about her. It was more about the family issues i had to deal with. But today its not about that. It's more about how I felt about Linna back then.
If i were to describe my feelings for Linna back then, it might be one of the strongest. Honestly, its hard to compare my feelings for Linna and Yiwen. They are both strong, but they exist in a very forms.  I like to describe myself in relation to fire. Fire does make a good imagery for my feelings at least. Which kind of flame would Linna be? What kind of flame would Yiwen be?
It is quite easy to describe it as a form of fire. I'll start with Yiwen, because the heroine of this post is Linna. My feelings for Yiwen is like a flickering flame on the wick of a candle. It burns slowly and it wasn't really stable. There were moments where it almost dies, leaving just a splint and there were moments where it withstood the winds.
My feelings for Linna was like a campfire. I kept throwing firewood into it and the more vicious it burns. But it ended up at a point where the flames burn too quickly that no matter how much firewood i throw in, I wasnt able to keep up with it. In the end, the feelings exhausted itself.
But then that wasnt the thing that really devastated me. Not sure if people know about Justin and Linna, but people say i got snaked. But that wasn't really true. On that day, I ran away from home and sought for Linna to comfort me. We met at the library and because i needed to stay over at Alex, I brought Alex with me. And Alex brought Justin. I really liked Linna alot back then, I would say I gave her the best of me and also the rest of me.  I wasnt too sure what she felt about, but we were close and we were close to the point that we wouldve both made a mistake. Well, at least i would.
The moment, Justin and Linna met. A tsunami of despair rushed through me. I'm not sure if anyone of you felt this. How should I describe what happened? The person you are in love with and the person who is your friend, the moment you introduced them. You saw them click. And at the moment, you realised it wasnt going to be you. It will never be you. No matter how close you are right now, you have already been overtaken in that one second. You have buried your own hole. You got what you sought.
Well, sometimes i ask myself, if that event never happened, would it have been possible? Would i perhaps put an end to this drought and curse back then? Who knows? It probably wouldnt have worked out.