Savage

It's clear that people need to be educated or disciplined. That's the conclusion I made as I waited for a bus in Windsor. Windsor is what people would consider the downtown. It is too distant from the majority of the city that it began to construct it's own governance. Their education and legal system are based upon that of the state's however it is loosely focused compared to other parts of Sydney.
It was a frightful image when coming across a handful of school kids who appeared to be much younger than me. However they behaved in ways which was very different to homebush boys high school or any other schools within the mainland. I would say that was the first step to terrorism throwing pop bombs on each others. It seemed that it's alright. But deep down I'm worried for them. What if something bad happened to one person in their group? What if there's a casualty? One person  became blind from these pop bombs? Whose gonna take the responsibility? And then they live with that guilt for the rest of their lives.
Education please shed light and tame these savages.

Nice & kind

Everyone can be nice. It's the truth, it is not hard to be nice or even just pretend to be nice. But many people choose not to. Why? Well, being too kind and nice makes you more vulnerable more susceptible to torments and insults and also schemes of others.
People do treat kind people as meat. They think that it is okay to toss and throw away the heart that was offered to them. And as a simple fact kind people suffer more than anyone else. Because they live in the hope and faith that people could be like themselves with an open heart.
Never has it been true, but kind people don't like to face reality. Reality are somewhat frightful to them and being kind can be regarded as secondary form of escapism .
This form of escapism transforms all their depression and suffering into a delusional gratification. By being nice, they force themselves to believe that everyone else is the same.
Most people don't understand. Neither do I.

Beast

There seems to be a subdued beast, whose has been put to sleep for the great cause of the society  But for some reason, it's sleep has been disturbed, it's peace has been brought to an end. He begins to hunt and venture into the realms of darkness. He craves the insecurity of others and is willing to dominate them until their bones shatters, their blood splatters on the surrounding. That beast wants to play but he knows he shouldn't. That beast wants more than that though. He wants the world to know that he is strong, better than anyone else, scarier than anyone else. But he hid it all his life  and now comes to the point that he is exposed to distress. His true nature unravels. His true nature will do all he wants to regain his sense of security. There is more to it. It isn't just a beast.

New

Next stop university
It will be a long wait until then and what I need to do is to recreate myself there. People say university is the place where you find your identity. A place where you do the things you love and take upon your own responsibility.
I have completed the hsc and I am willing to make a new start. Things began to change I'm getting some freedom. But at the same time I get new restriction as well. But it's alright in the end. We need to obey the rules and I don't really feel like fighting against such instructions.
Recently, friendship problem rises between people. I'm not really involved with any of those kind of problem. I have always been a neutral guy as in I'm never in a condition which leads into fights and intense argument.  Maybe except one occasion with harry trieu, which I felt bad doing. Well it's a new start soon so I need to say goodbye to some aspect of the past.

Lonely

Being lonely, is it a good thing or a bad thing? This is currently on my mind because these days after I gained some of my rights as a eighteen year old I began to turn to seek for peace. Somehow I find pleasure being by myself and watch those around me. It never occurred before. I always wanted to be with people or at least have someone to kill time with. However now it seems perhaps I need to time to myself where I learn more about my own body. Or a time I can just sit there by the park, at the bus stop or somewhere quiet and just think. Think about my own life and how lonely I've become.

Artist

I think each individual has an artist in themselves, perhaps it is what we call it our identity. Well, to me, art is any form of creativity. Creativity is another part of ourselves. Good art allows us to dig into the mind of the artist allowing us to sympathise them. They create an atmosphere where we could explore the garden of their morality. We need to respect such art. It is absurd to deem them as ugly. those who see beauty in the ugly are the mighty.

Loss

So you win some and you loss some. There is something I really dislike about that saying and I think a little tweaking to the words better express how I feel. You win some yet* you lose some. The sense of losing isn't pleasant, this is probably as a result of my past experience with grief. But with a friend's problematic mental issues, that fear of losing has engulfed me once again. I'm afraid that perhaps he still exists but my existence is wiped about from his memory. My scent, my voice and my words are washed away into the ocean of unknown. I hope it doesn't happen especially with one of my recent losses which I can't not grapple. I think the fear of losing is innate in every man. My recent conversation Monique about her boyfriend's over protectiveness exemplies this. Guys well they are fragile I guess. When they lose something, they want to understand the how and the why which are often don't have answers. I haven't understood the reason I lost her as a friend. Perhaps it's a way of telling me that we ain't made for each other and there goes David's snickering in the background.  Yeh Yeh unrequited love. Loss makes men crazy because we want control. When people no longer are able to control others, they want to at least have control over their own lives and relationship. If they can't then they can't. So it goes we win some and we lose some or yet we lose some. But what if my win is not lose anything. Maybe that is too much to ask for. But you never want your wild dreams to fade to black. 

Freshman

We are still young. Young enough to not take any responsibility. But when we get busted who is it to blame. It wouldn't you nor would it be. Perhaps we blame it on someone else. Maybe her the one who always sits by the side of the room? Or maybe the guy who keeps asking questions ridiculous questions? Or maybe we should blame the man who fail to clean the floor? Maybe we should blame god for playing these ridiculous pranks on us. But can we? We are struck in confusion, looking into each others eyes, thinking if there was one more thing we could do for him what would it be.  Listen to what he was saying? See him for one last time which none of us did for 3 years? We have been selfish maybe that was how we went to live at this age. We are still fresh, none of us really understood what nature is capable of. But we keep taunting that beast.

Bench

They sat on different sides of the bench, but it seemed a whole world were placed between them. It was a sad sight to look at. They obviously knew each other but they did not speak to each other. When their eyes met, all there was was a nod, a soft nod that says we used to be so close but look at where we are now. The rain poured heavily, the drip drop of the rain orchestrated the night. It was a sad sound. The two shuffled and shuffled, in response to each other. They were trying to spark up a conversation, however they are getting no where. They waited for the train. It was pouring. Yes it definitely was. A sad sight indeed. I watched them. But then the girl dropped her umbrella and feel slowly after it. The man reached out for her. He reached out to her. Their eyes met once again. Perhaps, something new was about to start. Perhaps there was a spark.

Prices

Is it necessary to put a price on everyone in life? Many things in this world are priceless, but modernisation happens to add a price tag on life. Do I have to quantitatively describe how i feel or how much i like something? This idea seems to dumb down all concepts in life, making things seem worthless. It is quite ironic that the most beautiful in life are priceless and most expensive. People will hate it if i pay someone to be a friend or a lover. I hate it as well. Time for us to revise about life.

Same

Now i wonder, what really matters~
Cause my heart is the same
Well, I wonder, how did I get here~
But everything is still the same
And i wonder, why we cant get there~
Yet, i cant do anything about it
But then you say we'll get somewhere~
So I just want to say

I know you don't want me but is it cause of hate
And then you want me to think that you love me
Only, if I am the same
Only, if i am the same

Yes, I wonder have I changed now~
And hope you remain the same
But then I wonder why i still worry~
So now wouldn't it be the same
I wonder where I'll be~
Where nothing else left
But i want you to say

I know you don't want me but is it cause of hate
And then you want me to think that you love me
Only, if I am the same
Only, if i am the same




note this is not a poem> it just something random in my head that i sing

Incomplete

After all these happens, I told myself that it is indeed time to get over it all. But, there is a vague sense of dissatisfaction that keeps on telling me that i should do something more about it. For 1 and a half years, my interest, my effort and my struggle. It seemed like i have done nothing for it. Time is telling me that i need to something more to it. Some that may be confronting or rather outrageous. Instead of trying to playing it safe, I need to do something and take risks. In the end, playing it safe and playing it outrageously have the same consequence. This leads me to consider maybe i shouldve been ruthless from the very start. So next time I promise my self. I will break through the barrier and add something else, before adding a full stop. I need to put a full stop cause a new paragraph can start.

Me in 10 years

To me in 10 years time,

I would like to see you develop something that characterises yourself, instead of being a peaceable asshole. You need to make your own life work for yourself, instead of trying and stealing parts from other people's life. In 10 years, I would like you to cast away the juvenile ways and live as a man, live as someone who takes responsibility and also risk. You are expected to have already quit smoking and begin to have your own family. That is, you have found your happiness and stay committed in it. I have no doubt in you being loyal because loyalty is one of the very skill that Elton mastered. I hope you have not lost that skill and instead become a dick-head. I've expected to have settled down and found yourself a job. I would like to see my own son or daughter and the fact that you are a loving father. I would like you to overcome your annoyance with dogs. 

In 10 years, I will come again and look at this .

See ya.

Start

If i was going to go back in time, where would i start? From the very beginning? Or maybe half way through? Or maybe just recently where things haven't been too well for me? I don't know. I don't know where i would start. I am rather scared about this miraculous opportunity that is given. The fact every decisions you make when you go to the past. Every step would be different. Lets say you decide to "correct" one part in your life, there will be a chain reaction that changes every other aspect of your life. The end result of the change maybe more disastrous than planned. I think this desire to go back and change life is futile.

Sorry

I don't really like this concept of being sorry about something, especially about being sorry for a mistake I have made. I am not a stubborn person and admit to my faults but I would not be sorry for it. Please note, admitting to the fault and being sorry for the fault are two different concepts in my constitution because, when you are sorry you feel  guilty about what you did.
Sorry is an unnecessary ingredient in life. My point is that we do not have to feel sorry for the mistakes we have made, because, in all honesty, we all knew that we would not regret the decision  made at the moment we did it. Sorry parallels strongly with regret and people should not regret the decision they have made. Hearken this "Unpolished, Unapologetic- might have broke a heart or two but gave an honest effort". One should be proud about the decision they have made despite the fact that it hurt someone. Life isn't a game where everyone wins. It is a battlefield where some wins and some loses. To state a harsh fact, people "claim victory when malice is on the verge of sinning". Do you win by being sorry?
Well, that's pretty asshole way at looking at life. I'm not malignant so let's ignore the morals behind claiming victory whilst sinning. I'll focus on this question. Where does sorry get you? You think that being sorry will gain you acceptance than think again. You do not redeem yourself by being sorry. I don't know about you, but, in the eyes of my god, he does not forgive you for your sins just because you are sorry for committing. He does not judge you by the sincerity for the mistake you have made. He judges you by your character and the way you have redeemed for the mistake you have made. You have to win his heart through showing yourself that you are a changed man, not being negotiating about how bad you felt about what you did. And again, in his argument, you weren't feeling so sorry when you did it.
Another example of the ineffectiveness of being sorry is Aboriginal History. Yes, I am drawing another reference from my study of English, this time it is Noel Pearson. He specified that reconciliation is not about the being sorry. He criticised the action of "apportioning guilt and blame" and making the justice that exists within reconciliation appears cheap. No one is going to get over something just because you said sorry.
I just want you to know, I don't like the fact that people are simply saying sorry for everything.

The Sun

The Sun is a magnificent structure that holds the physics of this world together. It is beautiful because people, organisms and life are able to live under its support. There is also this celebration about its ability to hold the solar system without the collapse of all planets and stars and every other things out in space, discovered or undiscovered. But what is the purpose of the sun? Only a very foolish person will tell you that the role of the sun is to maintain the heat on earth for animals, or for photosynthesis, or other benefits they bring to the people. Is that true? Well, precisely no, because people consider it as an inanimate objects, and inanimate objects are don't have feelings or thinking processes so they have no set purpose that it tries to achieve. Well, other people argue that the Sun is made for destruction, but someone how it failed. Look whatever its purpose is it doesn't really matter. We should just appreciate its existence and preserve it. Yes yes. My point being nothing matters when its good just acknowledge that its good.

Chiemney

Welllllll, this is dedicated to V. Chiem for his stupidity. I wouldn't say something like this directly in his face, but Ill just comment this post. Well, the major problem i guess is that the suppression by his parents. He was forced into doing subjects that he never really dreamed to do. Parents are blinded by their predictions. Why, because they think that "they have eaten more rice "than the younger people, believing that their wisdom overrules all forms of society. Well, let me reassure to parents who are chained to this belief, you are wrong. You may have eaten more rice, but we no longer eat the same kind of rice. You ate jasmine rice, now we eat genetically modified normal rice that taste like jasmine rice. My point is society has changed and you guys are no longer capable to move with this change. It is just a simple process in life, which everyone follows. In future we will undergo the same process.

Enough about parents, here v stop being so fucking annoying. Stop asxking people for infite amount of help. You are wasting other people's time, which means the lives of other people. Just sit down and think about it yourself. You still cant get it then suffer alone.

Hoping

When you think too much, you should start hoping then. Hope for a moment we're everything you think about will be overturned. Hope for that moment you can just say fuck you to everything that is happening around you. People just need that moment to just hope, pray and aspire for something better. People should stop devising ways to improve their lives instead they should just let go and let God or maybe an unknown entity to deal with yourself. Well as a matter of fact nothing in yourself is about yourself so you should just let go.

Calendar

Somehow I've started to believe that my calendar is magical. I write weird things on my calendar, like i give arbitrary names to days. But somehow it seems that something special happens on these days. For example, at the start of the year, I marked September 17 as "Drip drop and the river goes", please do not comment on the stupidity within the phrase as I did find some romance within it. But the point is. That day happens to be my graduation day. Like Ha what a coincidence. Or is it really?
There are other events which lead me to question the symbolic meaning each thing I write. It is kinda fascinating that it forebodes all the bad things that's gonna and all the good things.
Maybe I'm just a little superstitious but it isn't a bad thing. I do find join from it.

Tomorrow's "Archmichael" what could it mean?

Haters

To haters out there, I don't know and understand why you hate me. But it's alright if you hate me, just make it a little more obvious next time please. Well nah don't. Honestly you can hate me all you want but I'm not gonna treat you any different. I'll still be courteous and nice. One thing I figured out in life. You just have to be nice and eventually things will work out well. So here I'll apologise to what I did to harry trieu not that I like him very much but I'm sorry for the exposure. 

BORED

Life is actually so boring like sooooo boring. It is so boring. Probably because i have nothing in my mind to aspire towards. But it is way to boring for me to deal with. I don't know what i should do man. Pretty much finished exams but then dad still force me to sit on the study desk for hours. It would be alright a few weeks ago as i was kinda living in my own imagination, but these days it doesnt really work as i have no dreams nor do i have any aspiration. My life is only filled with platitude. Half of it is my fault i guess, I don't want to engage in human connection but simultaneously i want to have some sort of connection.. Its just that i dont want to be the only one who is active. Ceeebs

mapping

I am sick and tired going back to the start. Its like all the streets i follow, i always end up at the start over and over again. Like an mise en abyss, things keep repeating. I keep stumble and walk in circles and end up back at where i started. Some people say that is alright to get back to the start because each road you take is different. But it wouldn't work for me the road i took are the same each time. The first and second i took it was enlightening. But after that, it is just a tedious walk now. Can someone come into my life and add a new road that show me something totally new? Please.

Literature

Was doing my english essays, but I kinda gave up due to its complexity. However, whilst doing all these analytical work, a voice sang into my head guided to look at something which i believe is missing in the modern society. Each artwork, literature piece, music piece, blah blah has its own movement. Just naming a few:
-1984 is a product of the postmodernist movement- people saw the futility in life where struggles are pointless in preventing another war which explains his conclusion to Winston's defeat in "He loved Big Brother"
-Metropolis is a product of German Expressionism whose purpose is to reflect on Fritz Lang's personal concerns about his life.
-Perfume, a beautiful crime fiction, is a text that resulted in a new genre Crime Fiction
.
.
.
Back to the point, what is the movement of today? There isn't really one.
Why?
Because today, education teaches us critical thinking, which is only useful in revising the past and steal good aspects of the past. Critical thinking is the assessment of what is good and the adaption of every goodness, and mold it into the current society. Now, this may seem ironic, education teaches to think individually, but at the very same time what we learn is for the construction of a perfect society, aspiring in an utopia where everyone is the same. As a result, we lack creativity. Modern art are not creative, but it is more of a cauldron of every other movement in the world.

What I want to say is SOMEONE ARISE FROM THE DEBRIS OF MODERNITY AND SHOW US SOMETHING NEW.


Laters, Im going back to essay writing.

Toilet Dilemma

Well what is a first world problem today?
Kids who dont know how to use the toilets effectively.
Let me depict the situation of toilets at Homebush Boys High School, during class and early lunch, the deputy decides for bizarre reasons to lock up the main toilet and only allow people to use the "YEAR 7 ONLY" toilets, rotted with urine and faeces like every other toilet. Well, that is the amount of trust teachers have to students, fearing that people will smoke inside the toilets but honestly, what desperate cunt is going to smoke at a place that is stenched with piss.
That isn't really the main issue, the main problem is that we get massive lines that could be avoided. People misuse the gutter for piss( by the way, this only guys  toilet, from what i have witnessed chick's toilet are more like private home toilets). Misuse is not quite the right word, its more like they are too reluctant to use the gutters, thinking that other people will judge their penises. Well, I am aware that we get sneaky fuckers who peek on others, but I don't think that is valid for the long lines.
I'll explain to you.  Each of the gutter is made to fit at least 4 people at once. If people were to be tolerant enough and use the gutters, there would be less traffic and less complaints. In the end you are using a toilet that isn't your own, why are you expecting it to be clean.

Names

People are given names, but there are always a more suitable name for the person. I decided to give a name for some of the people i know, or people I am fairly close to. There are based upon instincts and expectation and how I feel about them, in the end there is no need to justify why something feels right. I will give people a name which isn't really Asian.
I'll begin with my self:
Elton Cheng- Dmitri Urasi
Dion Lin- Jackson Prospect
David Sun- Sammy Lawson
Yiwen Sun- Anne Vronska
Angela Ryu- Vicky Monte
Qisthy Kodarusman- Irene Opacili
Simon Cho- Jess McCarthy
Alex Hwang- Ronster Jules
Vince Lam- Adolf Blues
Adrian Tang- Simone Petty
Yelin Chen- Veronica Ratcon
Melissa Zhang- Emma Con
Monique Lam- Kitty Prom
Lucy Qiu- Teressa Matterson
Rachel Wong- Selena Hoff
Allan Lai- Nicholas Bradbury
William Phan- Andrew Jekyll
Lily Lu- Coco Sharpe
Jade Pham- Emily Rouche
David Kim- Jack Michelson
Paul Kim- Wolfgang Moss
Jonathan Zhu- Matt Crosby
Jonathan Wong See- Antonio Imp
James Fu- Joseph Ruby

Just saying- these names only have minor connection with who you are. There isn't really appoint to decipher what I am trying to say about you, because it is arbitrary.

Decisions

Making decisions would be the hardest part of life. People don't want to take risks, people out there want to ensure all the possibility are within their reach. That is physically impossible. I say physically, because psychologically anything can happen. But what is the point in lying within your security? Life is not being safe and perfect all the time. It is more about scavenging the good aspects of life through the debris of sadness and depression. Life is about the process, not the outcome. It is about being enlightened from nothingness, not about having everything without anything to aspire to. It is alright to make the wrong decisions, they are just mistakes which people can fix one day. I quote to you Oscar Wilde "Experience is just another name for mistakes", it is only with mistakes people learn. 

SO START TAKING CHANCES.

Human

What defines a human? Is it our heart that is willing to share and sympathesise with others? Is it our brains where we are able to learn and synthesis to make good judgments? Is it our hands where we are able to reach for others when they are needing assistance? Is it our eyes which allow use to see and questions what is wrong with this world? Is it our chest which allows us to accept the worst thing life throws at us?
I just think that everyone is lacking these days. If that was an elimination dance checklist, then don't you find that you'll never find a partner which fits this criteria? People are getting more and more selfish, detracting away from it means to be human. But is it because of technology? Wouldn't technology just be an excuse? Well, I wouldn't be the judge of that. Just let someone from the future criticise the present, just like how we are commenting on the past. What is the point- commenting on the past when we can't deal with the present?

Letter

To whom this is concerned,

Not gonna name names but most people get the general idea about who I am talking about. I just want to say that I'm angry about anything. I just want to say good luck in a way.Also want to thanks, I also come to a conclusion about it. You went for it first, I am sorta glad that you left my hands clean.

I never really wanted my feelings get into our friendship. But then things didn't come out that way, did it? I guess I was a little naive, or maybe too naive. I still don't understand how things turn out this way, but I have no intentions to dig into it. Past is the past, for none of it really last. Frost said "memories grow dim overnight", I came to accept that saying, or was there never memories in the first place? I'll just say thanks and good luck. I am not going to resent. I will go away and keep moving.

Good luck with studies, do well in HSC. I'll not disturb you.

Sincerely,
Elton

Chapter 1

The neon green "EXIT"blinked as people stepped into the room. It was dark, somehow darkness worked well with the great number of people in here. The raucous background music set the mood for the club, there were intolerable screams and orgasms from the deserted corner. The music failed to conceal it, but then, no one really seemed to mind it.

I sat upon a tall stool, unattended. Ryan called me out, promising to have a drink, but I was dumped in the corner. Yes, alone. The bar-tender was busy having his own conversation with a fair lady sitting 3 seats to my left. Fucking dickheads, they must be well on their way to number for the night. I sat there, juggling the ice cubes in my glass.

"It sure is hot in here," a voice squeaked from behind.

I turned to look at her. She was tightly dressed and under the flickering lights, she looked demonic to a certain degree. I ran my eyes from her legs to her face. By the ruling of the society, she was classed as those "doable hotties", people would want to have a taste of her, but with zero intention in knowing them at a personal or business level. She wore a cherry red lipstick, thickly mascaraed.

I nodded.

She shuffled her ass and pulled a stool next to me. I got a clearer view of her. There was something about her which was unsettling. She was voluptuous in nature, but demonic. It must had been something about how her eyebrows curled in a parabolic arc and faded to a sharp line. It was beautiful, but there was something evil in it. Her mole situated right on top of the left side of her lip.

I slip away slightly. She wouldn't have notice it. I just needed some breathing space.

"So how do you do?" she smiled, her tongue twisted as she said it.

"Just nogging"

"Nogging? That is a cute way if saying drinking."

I glared at her. She had quite an irritating tone in her voice. It was as though she was hissing into my ears, luring me in.

"You feel uncomfortable?"

I stiffened and blushed. "Yeah."

"You're cute. I'm cute too."

"The Big Sleep?" I enquired.

"The Big Sleep? What do you mean?" she swung her head in disbelief.

"What you said came from the book called The Big Sleep. Raymond Chandler." Eventually, I came to the other possible meaning in my reply. I must have sounded extremely stupid, in the end, sexual affinity was not a talent that I was gifted.

Silence intruded between us for quite some time. She watched me taking sips of my whisky. I asked the bartender for some more ice cubes, I played with them.

"Why are you such a depressive?"

"Cause I can?" She should just go away.

"It's heaps manly. I like it."

Fuck sakes. There was an impeding force that existed between us, and every second of it was uneasy. A bleating sound up-roared from the background. I turned around to look.

She tapped on my shoulder. "Hey, promise me you will be here again tomorrow night." She dashed out of the room before I could reply.

From there, I had a collection of events without any specific order:
- the smashing of broken glass, clashing
- the thumping bass which was out of sync with the tremble
- shouting and screaming of the people
- the siren of ambulance and police

ARTIST

From now on, I am gonna be an artist. An author in a sense. I'll channel all my emotions in the form of fiction. Why? Cause fiction is enlightening for me. I find comfort within fiction. Not suggesting this is a form of escapism, but sometimes the boundaries within fiction ranges far beyond what people can achieve in reality.
So ill begin my first chapter.
The novel, novella or short story is far untitled, but eventually I'll find something for that.

Seriously NOT?

There is one thing that I hate most of this modern era. It is the attitude, the attitude of not taking being serious seriously. The jumble of words may sound really silly, but it enlightens as I find some art within the way I say this, bringing an emphasis of the two "serious" before letting out my "ly".

I'll explain to you want I mean by this attitude. It comes in two main points:
- being serious
and
-taking it seriously

Being serious: This is how people view the events in this world. I really dislike that attitude,n enforced by the postmodernist movement or so it is called. It brings further neglection to exploration and independent thought.  If you think that I am flogging a dead horse, then you are wrong, I am being totally serious about this and it is ubiquitous everywhere. People nowadays do not know how to be serious, including me. They don't know how to look at things with the eye of a judge, before coming into a conclusion of "she is a bitch" or "he is such a depressed cunt". Well, also, there is this tendency in dealing with facts, events and objects superficially. People just mention it and nothing more happens. Interestingly, today, Dion and I had this conversation about being famous and notorious. The thing is people no longer give a damn about a crisis. We gossiped about the concept of fame has failed, because people tend to forget things easily or move on easy.

Taking it seriously: This is more about myself in a way. Taking the piss of something serious is what I am good, which in a way is shit. I found out that people don't see me as a serious man, well, at least from my group at school.  I'm jolly kid who is mocking every single aspect of events. I mock things with criticism mate and i hope people see. If you analyse the piss I chuck,  you'll actually see that what I am talking about is serious even though what ever I say sounds rather stupid and ridiculous. Well, in fact, it is a much more valid statement compared to what you see. But I also wonder about this. Maybe it is my own accent that has detracted the importance of the content.

You see the problem? People are more concerned with that than the message.

Hair

The most feminine part of a woman is their hair. So I don't know cunts who want to go bald or wants to turn into a tomboy. My opinion, for normal woman, hair under 20cm is unacceptable unless there is a restraint that limits them to have the hairstyle ie. cancer, chemotherapy ...
Let me make a reference- Mrs. Bonis- her hairstyle has drained all her female features from her. It makes her very unattractive, well even worse than how she was before. Like fat and non-feminine characteristics are massive turn-off. It makes it very disturbing to concentrate in class.
Another, Jade, I'm sorry that i have to mention this, but your hair style is pretty terrifying.
P.S.
Itll pretty scary if Bonis came to class with longer hair.

Somewhere Only We Know

To develop to the highest a range of friendship, there is a need to establish a place where "somewhere only we know". It is a crucial foundation for any marriage in my opinion. Without it, marriage tends to break and crumble under the name of dispute easily. A perfect example would be my parents,  they failed find that space for them where they can talk about things without the fear of being overheard or judged upon. Just so you know, I am saying this with the eyes of a 18 year old who wants to explore more about this world and prepare for the future, so do not take this as a wise advice. I also like to reassure you that your bed is never that "somewhere only we know" because eventually that leads to sex and that does not resolve anything. Well, there are exclusions with the hyper-protective ones who does not supply the fantasy. But dealing with them is beside the point.

So where could this "somewhere only we know" be if it was not to be your bed or your room or toilet for my case- the toilet is my favourite part of the house it brings joy in all shapes and forms- which is only limited to privacy. As much as that "somewhere only we know" sounds super private, however, it does not situate in the house. It is out there in the world somewhere. It could be a rooftop, subway station, sometimes a pub, but that lacks romance and is more suitable for friendship, or even the corner of the streets. The point is it is a place that is able to channel both members or more emotions through a unifying medium.

Schoool

Its good to be back at school again. Yesterday was so good. Talked about much about life with dion. Its good to have someone to talk to
School is good, i manage to channel my feelings

Complication

Feel like shit
Cant do shit
What is wrong with me
Why did i do it
Why WHY WHY WHY
I try to fake it
Life is too hard
But i just cant take it
Enoch-
but bitches is all i need and money drives me to drown in pussst

Feel

How can someone really feel sympathy for someone if they do not know half the story? Isn't feeling what makes humans different from animals? Well, animals have feelings, but ain't human meant to be masters of emotions because we think we are empowered with rationality?
It is evident that people are incapable of showing sympathy. People are dying out there in the world and you just give a plain comment "it's because they are savage". No, it's not because they are savages that they are at war.  They have feelings too. It is just that people do not acknowledge their emotions. No one can really understood the true injustice behind everything that is inflicted upon them. God or mothers or whatever did not bring life to this world so that they get killed.
Whoever created life, let me ask you these questions:
Is this an interesting play, novel, film to you?
Does watching us suffer bring joy to you?
If you have a little  moral sense, why can't just help out and resolve some of these problems?

I'm beginning to think that people are created as an experiment for god. Or maybe god just needs some enjoyment by watching us. You know watching others people suffer brings joy to some people.

Falling slowly

I don't know you but I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me and always fool me
And I can't react

And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it known

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
The moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black

Well, you have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice
You've made it known

Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Excuse me for the plagiarism, but it is a song that has.accompanied through the last few days. It is a great comfort and i kinda suspect i heard it.from a korean drama before. It whas more potential than a korean drama of course.

Maybe falling is life, well at least first part of.life. The next part will.be homr.you.climb back up. Life is a race against time. Just.make it happen.

Bookshelf

People from.my generation don't read, I am just one of the special people who found the joy within books. It is enticing and fascinating. Books are limitless as to.what they contain, because the main elements within a book lies within the imagination of the reader. If the reader can't find their space for imagination, then they wouldnt be able to understand the art within books.
Here is a list of the books i.must have on my book shelf in the future:
catcher in the rye
brave new world
old man and the sea
of mice and men
anna karenina
1984
fahrenheit 451
picture of dorian gray
dr jekyll and.mr.hyde
the sense of an ending
pride and prejudice
sherlock.holmes
there will.be more to.come

thank god

THANKS TO.SOJU, IM FINALLY OUT OF THE SHIT STATE I WAS HAVING FOR 2 DAYS. MAN IM NOT GONNA SAY ILL.NEVER TAKE WEED AGAIN BUT AFTER JUST 3 HOURS OF SUBCONSCIOUS CONTROL, MY MOOD WAS MADE SHIT FOR 2 FUCKING DAYS. FOR FUCK SAKES DION. HAHA IM NOT BLAMING YOU, IM.KEEN FOR NEXT TIME IS ALL I HAVE TL SAY.

HOWEVER, THE THING IS I APPEAR TO.BE MORE HIGH WHEN.I DONT TAKE WEED IT IS. MY LIFE WORKS UPON THE CONTRARY, DICHOTMY OF THE FIXTURES IS WHAT I WOULD SAY.

svydrjaqd

Seriously is this the product of someone who fails to conform? Or is it that i just can't even talk about anything.meaningful with anyone? Does every conversation i have cant manage to.find itself through the greetings and find its way to some.other terrains? Seriously, not.a single person, like.not.even a guy. like fucking why.
fuck sakes

Move

I need to get out of this place. Before, i have this belief that Australia is the best place in the world due to its peaceful nature. But, i dont feel it anymore. Somehow peace irritates me. Being peaceful equals no arguments but wouldnt that also mean no life. Life is simply conflict. More accurately it is one's struggle to.defeat or overcome conflict. But how can we do.it when there is no.conflict in Australia. I want to start fresh in a place with no money, no shelter, no nothing. I honestly wouldnt mind spending part of.my life living in the subway station feeding off bread crumbs which may be days overdue. People in Australia thinks that you.will.die.just by eating that. No fucking way man look at Africans they are living fine. Well not the fine we define but they are happy in their own ways. Australia has been stagnant for too long it is not a place for dreams. Itll be time to.move on soon.

18

Im 18 yes i guess the only one who reached 18 from there. I arrived in a peaceful manner.
ONE OF THEM DIED. NEVER ABLE TO REACH 18.
ONE OF THEM SPENT THE NIGHT IN JAIL. ANOTHER ONE IS FAMOUS.

Resolution

So tonight, I had a pretty long conversation with my dad. It was too bad surprisingly. It became evident that in the end no matter what his ways are, he is still a dad.  However, he is no longer the man with immutable laws. He let loose a little tonight. He became understanding and saw that have absolute control over me is pointless.
Here are some points he addressed:
As a man of 18, i need to be responsible for all the decision you make. I would tell you that from tomorrow on you will need to act accordingly to morals and ethics. The past years were my effortless methods in developing your sagalicity. Anyways, from now on you are allowed to drink and smoke, i know i cant stop you but please be responsible. I like to advice you to not take drugs and smoke (sorry). And, about girls, if you do have a girl friend, please be responsible for her as well and treat them fairly.

It was a side I have never seen.

Anyways, from tomorrow,
I will be more responsible.
I will get rid of my non-seriousness when being serious.
I will quit smoking by the age of 26.

The next step is 25, another massive change and a part in me says that i should get married by them.

Drunk

To explore into.my.emotions this what i need. A bottle of spirit, me in mood swings, candles and private space make the perfect recipe to.understand myself. Also an essential piece i need is a diary. Honesty can only be achieved when one is subconscious. Being conscious just means that one will try to manipulate the truth that makes it easier for the person to handle.

MIRROR

SOMETIMES YOU STARE INTO THE MIRROR. YOU LOOK AT IT AND TRY TO PICK UP AS MANY FEATURES AS YOU THINK THAT DEFINES YOU. IT COULD BE THE FOLDING FAT ABOVE YOUR LEFT EYEBROW, PATCHES ON UNEVENLY GROWN HAIR BELOW YOUR CHIN. THOSE ARE THE FEAUTURES THAT MAKES YOU WHO YOU ARE. BUT WHAT IF ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP AND REALISE THAT IT IS NOT THE SAME AS BEFORE. YOU GOT A NEW FACE, A NEW BODY, A NEW IDENTITY. BUT WOULD YOU LIVE WITH THAT IDENTITY OR WOULD YOU BE TERRIFIED UNTIL YOUR WITS BECOMES FLOODED.

P.S. THIS IS SIMILAR TO MY DREAM ABOUT JANE 

she

I shouldnt have denied my feelings to her. It wasnt really the truth. I like her but i just cant say it out loud to anyone else that i like her. Most people do know that i like her though. I reckon she knows it herself. But i wouldnt dare to ask her. Im too scared for that well not about being rejected or anything but the fact that i have to confront people with a harsh true scares me. Being serious is not something im good at so yeh.
When my mum asked me to bring a girl to dinner on my bday, i really wanted to do something about it with her.

dusk til dawn

I MADE NO RECOLLECTION OF WHAT THEY MEANT UNTIL THE AGE OF 13. YES IT IS PROBABLY I WAS STILL AN ILLITERATE CUNT. BUT SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO USE THE IMAGERY IN THE RIGHT CONTEXT. THIS IMAGERY IS SO POWERFUL AND IT IS ONE OF MY FAVOURTIE. IT TAUGHT ME THAT THERE IS ALWAYS AN END AND A BEGINNING. BETWIXT THE END AND THE BEGINNING, LIES THE PROCESS. TODAY NO ONE REALLY CARES ABOUT THE PROCESS. PEOPLE JUDGE EACH OTHER LIKE THEY ARE JOB APPLICANTS WHERE THEIR PRESENTATION IS ALL THAT MATTERS. NO ONE REALLY GOES DEEP AND  TRIES UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE IMAGE.

History

As Julian Barnes wrote “History is that certainty produced at the point where the imperfections of memory meet the inadequacies of documentation.”, history is based upon uncertainties. In the end, history is unarguably biased and inaccurate. That is all that i can say as an observer. It is the words of the victor, the delusion of the vanquished.

Line

These days, my life seems to be bounded by big black inky line. A line that is marked by the attitudes confines my opinions and attitude to the world. It seems like a line has been drawn to everything. It makes me feel that I need to get my acts together and know and accept the boundaries that have been put in place. It may be because my birthday is coming up in a weeks time. I'll be 18 then. My mind is perhaps preparing me for the real world where I have to be responsible for everything I do. Meaning, I should not rely on my parents anymore, even though they were never much help to me. I love them, but its just that they haven't really played much in my life. I have only learnt to not take the bad things from them.

Immortality?

As the time goes on, on and on,

My life, no longer, stands still,

And I can't win this marathon

To let my life be raven's kill.

 

As the clock ticks, my own soul last,

Yet others pass with life's farewells,

While I wish my death comes fast,

Wishing to hear no more church bells.

 

I stared at my hourglass,

As specks of sand drop as time goes,

As church bells ring and ravens pass,

To pass before the death's gate close.

 

Scared of death, now scared of life,

Realised immortality is no prize,

After painful visions of my wife,

To be the one to do in my eyes.

 

Bid me to weep, and I will weep,

At the visions which my eyes see,

Eternity, I have died too deep,

Return me to what I used to be.

 

Families dead, friends are gone,

Forever is no longer what I want,

Since I know my prestense desire is wrong,

Forgive me and give back what I want.

 

I envy the graves beneath the beech,

Believing that one day, it will be me,

To be a dead man, and be leeched,

To be me like normal man to me.

 

Yet as I turn round, I see that

My candle is still burning and haven't rot,

I realised my life is like a rat,

When immortality is all I got.

Blinded

People can only see what I allow them to see.
What I allow people to see is less than 2% of who or what I am.
Just to remind you all that there is no point of judging me.
I choose to be nice to you when I want to.
If you decide to treat like shit, I will make sure you regret it.
I will immerse myself in darkness and destroy you.
When I plan to destroy someone, I will not do it lightly.
I will choose the grandest method of destruction and make sure that it doesn't stain my hands.
No one will know the truth.
No one will need to know the truth.
People will be blinded from the truth.

mum

I could never really thought much about parents and family.until today. My stepmom got drunk.today and she began talking about how i should be more considerate about my mum. She said i should put my.mom.before her as in the end she is the illegitimate one. She was really pitiful and the fact I am saying this makes her even more pitiful. She has been struck with the most injustice of all. She got.divorced, bore a girl who is a bitch and in the end ends up with my father. She deserves and it led me to question that whether life is fair or not.
I dont really like to talk about my own mother. I just think she had too much role in my gynophobia. Its the past and i know i should get over it. It is a taboo. Well to my family they never took note of it. I had concealed it well for some time.

Fool

Don't be a fool  for the city lights? Yes, people shouldn't be a fool for what they aspire, because they will become distracted from their real intentions in life, to survive within the environment. In a way, I am relating it to my life. I have been blinded by my ambition to overrule most people that i began to be insensitive to other people's emotion. In some way, my dad's principles have influenced me. It appears to be true that I inherit parts of my father. His self-righteousness is becoming a part of me. I don't like the feeling but it is an instinctive response to things and matter. There is an overwhelming desire within people that initiates people's motive to "wreck" and dominate others. It is innate within human.

control

what people want is control. They require control in almost every part of their life. I am not talking about control as in dominance over other people although it plays a small part within control. More specifically, I am talking how people can grapple with their own life. Control is the ability to manifest one's own desire, and at most time it fails. Only a few people in this world that can have control of their lives. It is not the prime minister, nor is it his fellow parliament. It is neither rich nor is it the most resourceful person. It is the weak and poor they can have absolute control the control of their mind.

Indifference

I have to do well.  More like, I need to do well in tomorrow's exam. I have put in so much effort on this assessment. I have asked for help. And, I tell you, I am not the type that is willing to ask. To be honest with you, it does hurt my pride sometimes, because I am a man, a man who has strong principles about his own life. I wouldn't go about asking people questions, because i keep my business to myself and I also keep other people's business that involves me to themselves. I do like to get involved in gossips. Because gossips and shit talk are fun. Despite the immorality and ethics issues associated with it, it does bring joy and entertainment to people.

Prodigy

I am studious, but that does not make me a prodigy. People have mistaken the classification of a prodigy, it may be because they have not seen any real prodigy. Well, I have witnessed a few. They are crazy to the extremes. The closest one right now would be Jade. She is a prodigy, but hers is based upon her books. In a way, she is studious, or more accurately, she is considered book smart. She is intelligent, her rate of absorption of knowledge is almost 20 times of an average.  She is a product of knowledge itself. Her pursuit and desire for knowledge had made her this way.

But, I would like to talk about the next level of prodigy. Prodigies, who are masters of what they do, are terrifying. They can crush their mastery with their thumbs. They send chills within me because they belittle you to nought. Let me describe one of my friends, she is just a 7-year-old girl, but her ability with maths is beyond the levels of average human capacity. She is able to solve 18923535734*895735355 under a time of 13 seconds. Her ability to calculate with her head is equivalent to a calculator and she does so with a 99% accuracy. I bow down to her.

UNUSUAL

Well, for the first time, I made contact with the weed. It felt weird, but it was very light. It was as though my body was under the control of a gentle electric shock where each cell appeared to be detached from another and functions independently. The weirdest thing of all was that I was able to command my body mentally, however, it appeared that it was not totally following the instructions that my brain impulses. I was conscious, at the same time, unconscious and subconscious to a certain degree. It made the world appear to be more detailed, I could somehow see the ugliness, within this world, much more clearly. However, the details within contradict each other, where white is white, black is black, but simultaneously you see that white can, in fact, be black and vice versa. It was a very interesting experience, I wouldn't deny that. But, during that time, I was more focused about one thing. Was I really high, or was my body trying to simulate the "highness" because that is the expectation?

Rain

Rain is seem as a metonym of doom or a bad omen. In songs, rain is used as a symbol of sadness. Shakespeare uses it to foreshadow an ominous event. Many other composers also utilize rain with dark connotations. However, there is a certain tranquility within rain. Rain is not necessarily bad. It brings prosperity to the farmers and their crops. It washes away the dirty spots on the roads. It is a very vital part of life and it is very valuable to so many people. Then why do people go about and relating it to such terrible images? What I am concerned is why is there a such a stark distinction between the good and the bad?

OR

On or off
In or out
hot or cold
Cool or warm
Wet or Dry
Silent or loud
Hard or Soft

Content

I am pretty happy with today. It was ordinary, however, it was very satisfying. Watched porn, chucked a fat wank, ate some Maccas, played a game of League and saw Yiwen. Nothing special happened, but I was very content with it. It is perhaps I have not had one of these ordinary days for so long. Last time, I had it, it dated back to maybe 5 weeks ago. It was so long ago that I could no longer recall the exact time but everything was fine. Porn was juicy. Wank was stimulating. Maccas was delicious. League was victorious. Yiwen looked gorgeous. Couldn't ask for anything better. Actually, maybe if Calvin came out and drove me home today. It would seem alot more complete.

Stage 1- MASLOW

Stage 1 of Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that people would need to satisfy their physiological needs- needs that are deemed to be important for human survival. These needs include water, food, shelter, sleep and, interesting enough, the fulfilment of sexual instinct. Fulfilment of the sexual instinct is not define as sexual pleasure in this, instead it recalls the importance of mortality and birth rates. This is essential for the survival of humanity. As a human, our ability to pass on our blood is crucial within physiological means. This is not a problem for people in developed countries. Like me and other million in Australia, the stage one of our needs is fulfilled effortlessly. The government has provided the whole nation with an equal starting place for these needs. That is to say, people begin where their need is satisfied. In fact, people in developed countries live in a place where there is an abundance of the physiological means. Which leads me to the question: where do the homeless people on the streets of Strathfield, Burwood or Hornsby come from? This is an evidence for the lack of commitment by the government. Abbott's party is trying to rob away the rights of Australian people. For fuck sakes, we should get rid of him already.

Lion and Hare

A lion ruled a land of the fair,

Brave and strong,

Terror struck the land of the wild

And peace would even disturb the bear.

One day, a hare brushed past this plain,

Small, but, strong,

She faced the lion with very little

fear for her master is named Jane.

The sun glared down,

Rain never fell

For months and years

Under the terrors of the lion.

But, that day, storm struck the land,

Water engulfed the field,

Animals cry in more terror,

As the water washed away the sand.

The lion stood upon the sand and salt,

He saw the hare who passed by,

He question,

"Is this rain to be your fault?"

"No, your valiant Lord"

Hare sang in denial

"For this rain to come

As for the purpose of a reward."

Change

People say that I am changing. I do not deny it, but, I am hesitant to say whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. Honestly, I cannot see these changes. It is difficult to see these changes, because, most people like me, don't really like changes. It is like asking a narcissistic person to see any flaws on his face. He wouldn't be able to see it, not even a single indent. He is blinded by his belief of his perfection. I am like that in a way, but, I do believe that I can be changed. The forces of nature and society is too overpowered for one to resist.
People say that I am less attentive to their emotions and feelings. That is not true. I smell sadness that lurks from people. I hear screams within their minds. I notice it all, but I never get the chance to act. And, sometimes, when I try to reach out, I get pushed away. I am not complaining, nor am I trying to excuse my change. It is just that people should understand I am there for them, even when I cannot talk to them.
I have not changed to push people away. I guess my change will only be temporary. Ill be myself after HSC.

Curves

If i was to represent my life in a curve, what would it be? Would it be a linear relation? If it were, would be increasing or decreasing? Would it be continuous? Would it be finite? Obviously, there will be a start and an end. Life starts at the age of zero and ends whenever i die. Which leads me to another important part of the graph, the axes. Would my axes represent life and happiness respectively? Not necessarily, I can draw it with the variables of sins vs good deeds. If i was to draw my life on this graph, it would look very similar to y=x however with minor fluctuations going up and down. Why is this so? I hold the belief of retribution to the means very dear. For every bad deed you do, a good deed would happen in exchange. For every good deed you do, you will have a flaw in some way. The minor fluctuation is due to occurrence at different times. They do not happen simultaneously, there is always a time and space. They will happen but at different times.

You

I think I like you? For the most part of the past, I was uncertain about my feelings towards you. It was a sort of confusion that remains unresolved until you really want to do something about it. Yes, this confusion of mine fails to fade away. It stays with me and is still waiting to be resolved. However, recently, I begin to feel something more than confusion. It is even harder to make out what it is. It is more like the feeling of missing my mum; however, I have been quite unsensitized to it. But, I do think there is something more than that. I just feel really secure when I am with you. I feel like that there is something more to it than that. Honestly, I thought about starting something with you. Would I be wrong? I often try to sing to myself “Am I wrong for thinking that we could be something for real?” I don't think so. I’m keeping this crush to myself I guess. There is a certain level of romance in unrequited love and it is somewhat artistic to a degree. It feels very dear to me in a way.

Suicide

Suicide? I used to think about this before, reflecting upon such thoughts now it is just stupidity. Just a general advice for all the people out in the world, don't think about suicide it's not worth it.
It is true for some people days may be hard due to problems with families, problems with friends, problems at work, problems at school. But I wouldn't suicide if I was having a hard time and everything is out of my control. I would like to tell you, nothing in life is in your control. Like jehovah's said, the universe belongs to Satan. We are the works of God, but we dwell in the creation of the devil. We must put up a good fight against the devil and not give in to him. For those people who are giving in their lives due to the hard time, you are giving in to the devil and you will have an even worse time after you die- no matter where you go. Fight the devil. Fight against life. Stay strong and stay alive. Have faith. Someone will always be there to guide you. Love you.

Talk

I am actually dying to talk to someone. I am also dying to see other people. It is killing me that I can't talk to anyone. But what makes things worst is that I begin to waver about starting a conversation with anyone when I get a chance. I don't know why. I want to talk. I want to talk about something that is relevant. I want to talk about your life. But somehow there is an ominous force within myself that is stopping me. Also I want to find a penfriend, because I want to write and talk about something with substance.

Struggle

I have been struggling against Arthur's belief for a long time. Arthur is the perfect antagonist. He destroys people to their bones. He can reach deep into your bones and begin to devour every marrow, every cell within it. However, he does not do this physically, he does it with words and schemes. He targets people mentally and belittle others. He is a devil. He corrupts purity and innocence. He transforms virtue to evilness. He is an ominous influence that cannot be stopped. There is no way of stopping him. 

I just don't want to be like him. I have been fighting his belief and character for a long time. It is not easy because everything he says is credible and unarguable. He has a sharp tongue which isn't sprinkled in sugar but dipped in pungent mustard. He speaks the truth and it is not pretty at all. He talks about his own reaction to such truths. The way he approaches things is not human. He isn't human. He is way too realistic and cruel. He is good with words, but too good with it that he began to seek the negative energy within it. Slowly, he is having an effect on me. Slowly, I am beginning to see his view and I am becoming more and more like him. The day I see the reflection in the mirror and see him, it will be the end of me.  God bless him.

Lost

I am lost today. I could not find my way out of anything. It seems as though i am lost in my own emotions and lost in my own anticipation of the future. However, i do not know what atrocities the future decides to visit upon, nor do i know what steps i should take next. I am not afraid of taking wrong roads even though wrong roads will highlight your mistakes. And, namely, "mistakes can be substituted with the word experience". So despite the loss in these wrong roads, i still gain something out of it and this will somehow lead me back to the right path? Is it alright to be lost? I will say this hesitantly, for I am still young. The road is a long way ahead of me and I shouldn't be saying much about it if I don't know where it will lead me. Like my father told me : "i still haven't chewed on enough rice to know anything about life".

Neutralisation

"Your marks are like neutralisation". Well, Enoch is right about this. My maths and English marks tend to neutralise each other out. More appropriately, they tend to balance each other out. I call this retribution to the means. It follows the principle of "for every good thing you get, you also receive a bad thing equivalent to the worth of the good". My recent exams marks are perfect examples of this phenomenon. My 100% in 4U mathematics is 'neutralised' by my 36% in English. Good grace, my English mark is terrible. If I do weigh my maths with my English, I do think there is a greater loss in the low English mark as compared to my result in mathematics. But what can I do? The past cannot be undone. 

However, despite all this retribution to the means, I don't think the belief of "you get back the effort you put in". Not for this English viva voce assessment at least (which is totally irrelevant). For that exam, I've neglected all my other subjects to prepare for it. Hours and hours on writing and notes, and I went as far as videotaping myself speaking to a 1990s model voice recorder like a lunatic. But what did I get back? 36%.............

Phoneless

So... Dad took my phone once again. One would question how much can a Nokia affect my studies? Honestly, not too much, but every once in a while I do get distracted by people. Or to be more exact, I have a tendency to distract other people. Anyways, my phone is gone. I am not really too upset about it. But I will miss the little talks I have with the people I text. Yes, yes our little talks... I just hope that this does not segregate us further apart. I just don't want to be distant from you guys. If you guys do see me on the streets, please come up behind and tap me on the shoulders. I would greatly appreciate it. My only manner to reach out to the external world is through this blog. I would try to write consistently and emulate the little talks in this in some way.

Animals

I don't get my parents. What is wrong with becoming a vet? When I mentioned that I might consider becoming a vet, I was scolded for it. Like what the hell. I just don't understand Chinese parent's judgements. They base everything upon stereotypes. It is stupid, they think they know the world, but really they don't. Seeing things superficially is equivalent to not seeing things at all. I do not accept your argument about not being able to progress in future by being a vet man. No roads are limited, the society is constantly changing so even in the job of being a veterinarian scientist, my roads will often go through rough terrains. And plus, I don't want to do anything big. I just want to live safely and comfortably. I just want to settle down early. By the way, your comment about people who deal with animals will grow a sexual affection to them is invalid. Get your mind right.

Roger

Roger loved his son, Norman. He loved him so much that he put him into a prison, where he could be loved away from any atrocities in the world. In a prison, where there was no disease, no conflicts, he was safe in this prison or that was what Roger thought. Everyday, he would spoon feed his son. Roger ensured the best of all nutrients, in the meal, he added more than enough vitamins, proteins, carbohydrates and minerals. He made sure his son was growing fine. However, as his son grew older, he witnessed some unusual behaviour made by his son. He saw his son wanting to break out of the bars of his prison. His son sat close to the bars everyday. A paranoia struck Roger, he devised other methods to fix his son's betrayal. He covered the sides of the prison with a thick blanket. The interior was filled with darkness. He was sure that this would prevent his son from being corrupted and preserve his innocence. From that day onwards, Roger felt relieved. He never really bothered his child from that day onwards. He never really cared about how his son was growing, because he knew that he had provided him with everything the son needed. However, one day, he decided to check on his son. The son was lying on the ground. Breathless. Roger was not sure why.

average

Everyone is pretty much categorised as average. In fact, the majority of the population- no matter they are white, black, Asian, America, Australian, African- are average in the things they do. Very little can make a breakthrough from this pool of normality. For most people, they would need to be a genius to a god-like level or stupid to the bones. But, it is rare. I call them the defects of the society, cause in a way, they are mutants from the pool of average people. When I talk about average, I mean the success of an individual around all fields- academy, arts, literature, work. Even people at the international level, some of them are still considered average at their professions. This leads me to question: Is the real meaning of life to swim out of this pool? If it is, then does that mean that most people are in fact failing in life? What is a success? Is success scaled by happiness or by reputation? I'm still young and I'm still seeking for answers. I am doubtful of so many things. But within all these doubts, I have the desire to swim out of the pool of normality. However, through my lessons in English, I am taught that struggling is futile and struggling against the natural order is even more futile. However, I just don't want to stay in that pool forever.

Equity in sins

Can equity be truly achieved? I don't think so. The ideology is perfect, however to an extent, it lacks credibility. The establishment of equity aims to eradicate all forms of stratification: wealth, intellectual, racial, occupation.... Through this, equity achieves a fortitude of peace, harmony and stability. No matter how idealistic this concept, it is not applicable to humans. As for humans, I do not think we can fully achieve equity, however, humanity is somewhat heading in the right way, with the influence of sins. Mankind are infiltrated with all forms of sins, to name them: wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy and gluttony. Our susceptibility to such sins and immortality makes us more human as compared to our morals and ethics. It is true, ethics and morals make a person better. However, without the immorality, flaws and sins, people will not be considered to be human. We transcend to a divine level, or in scientific views, we degenerate into societal robotic that strictly complies to the laws of society, complying to what god and people assume to be right.  This consequently results in a conformist society; society will be stagnant, people will not see or view the need for changes as they think of their society, their morals and their beliefs so well. As a matter of fact, with sins,  people want change and people will try to force it to happen. Let's say in the case of equality, it is greed that makes people want equality. Without that, people will still be blindly living in society without equity.

Hope-CC

We hope for the best  in our lives. We hope for the best in every aspect of our lives. But sometimes we fail to see that we already have the best part of everything and fail to recognise that other people have it a lot worse than us. I am not talking about the worldwide adversity of the third world countries which are bombarded with diseases, poverty, limited resources, etc. Everyone recognises that, but not everyone could make a change to it. Does donating a few dollars really help? I am not being doubtful about charities and so and so. It is just that I believe right now it is may out of our control. Instead, we should start looking at it in our own social group, your friends. Many of us complain so much about our lives.  We are discontent about the fact that tiny things don't go the way we planned it. It is extremely selfish, we should think about others. One of my friends was sent to mental hospital recently for the suspicion of suiciding. I am extremely worried about him and hope him can climb out of the mental prison soon. He suffered from despair because he was not able to achieve as well as others. We are still young and we are approaching the final exams of our youth. Many of us are intellectually advanced compared to him, however, he puts in two to four times the effort compared to us. He gets little out of it. He is suffering from depression because some of us have excelled in our studies, meanwhile he had failed. Poor thing.  I just hope that he can climb out it soon.
Love you CC

Purpose

What is the purpose of life? Well, I am an atheist so I do not believe in the Christian conception that human existence is simply for the glory of God,  nor do I accept the belief that people live as to worship god. I do, however, accept the Buddhist belief that people live as to suffering. It is very similar to Darwinism, people live as to survive. In fact, I see that there is, in fact, no designated purpose in living. Humans come into existence as for the sake of existence. Like arts for arts sake, humans live for the sake of something that fills up space. It is just like asking some; "what is the purpose of the ozone layer?", foolish people will answer that they were made as a shield against ultraviolet radiation and sustain life forms on earth. But is that true? Does the ozone layer assign itself the mission to protect humans, animals, plants? Not really. It is simply a natural phenomenon that conveniently has the function of shielding humans from the radiation. In this sense, we exist as a natural phenomenon. Maybe because the universe has way too many atoms and decides to spare us some. However, people are unlike the ozone layer. We can think for ourselves. We can make our own purpose in living. One common purpose of living which is well respected would be people's pursuit for knowledge or eternal truth. Note that in a way, their purpose is to discover the purpose of their existence. One should clearly see the futility in it already.

Where do i start?

People said when you first start blog, you should follow the KISS rule( for the those who arent good with acronyms its just Keep It Simple Stupid). People said that it is similar to an electronic diary, except that can be easily accessed by anyone on the internet, unless, of course, if it is left with restrictions. But what fun does making things private have? Why not just simply live on the edge? It would make alot of things much more interesting, which in other words just mean you can easily get attention.
I guess when i begin i would need to justify myself why i started this blog and what i intend to do with it. Why i started? well thought it might be some fun, but i guess it all started with a friend from my school which i should just keep anonymous. It was interesting flipping through his privacy or his psychological state of mind, however in the end it became pointless reading his blog as it was just a cauldron of non-sense which is partly because he was on drugs. Like it was a great deal of fun humiliating him, but it did not contain what i had expected from the blog which gave me an impending desire to make it right( theological OCD i sometimes called it). Secondly, someone on askfm asked if i had blog. My answer was no, but it wouldnt be too difficult to start one now.
My intentions, well that wouldnt need to be explained i guesss. People can just anticipate and wait for what is to come. youll eventually see my intentions through time. It is like reading a novel, you wouldnt want to skip to end and not learn what other thousand things that happen in the complication.