Residual

Progress from before?? Well, I'm still trapped in the fourth. I haven't really moved on. It feels different from the past but it's still bloody. My previous crushes was just purely affection, it was a sense of admiration and interest. But this time, I feel like I want to take care of her, i see us dating but then stuffed happen. It's not like I can really do much about it. I do get sick of this friend zone thing but all I can do is laugh it off.

But, I'm not just talking about Terri, I'm also talking about yiwen, the third. Regardless of her being in a relationship, I still have to say she's an important woman in my life. Like I'll admit it I might still like her, like maybe it's more than friends. The thing is even though I like her I can't see us dating at all. It's just after seeing her up close with wanyou and stuff, I just think I'm not a boyfriend material for her.

Do I think I'm a good boyfriend material for terri? Well, I reckon I would be. But clearly it doesn't matter. She's seeing Cosmo and I don't wanna get in their way, because I'm just a little bitch.

The Flame

When or why did I start liking? Was it that day she wore the flashy raincoat and stood out in the gloomy mass? Or was it the constant exposure to her kindness and attentiveness? Whenever it was, I've always thought that it was an infatuation at first. But, it wasn't in the end. My feeelings kept growing stronger and stronger. It was burning more brightly and vigorously than before, because I thought she might have feelings for me. But, I sat there for way too long just to think that this feeling will eventually fade. It never really did. So I thought I would start working on it. I thought I would give an honest effort, treating her specially and devoting all my time and attention on to her. I did my part for sure, it wasn't too hard. Sometimes you get lonely waiting for and sometimes you get anxious waiting for her. But, the waiting game wasn't bad. I finally convinced myself to get serious with my feelings however it was already to late. Another started to make the move. The way he did it was different, it was more of physical contact thing compared to emotional. I got quite jealous and desperate. I could never be like that, you know, I'm never about that kinda swag. I simply follow my heart and hopefully she accepts a piece of it. Even under the influence of drugs I wouldnt do that, because I know it would no longer be genuine. Those cases to me would only be considered  lust but I'm not about that. I was just looking for someone to date and I thought I saw that in her. Well she's NOw seeing the guy, he's a cool dude and I don't have anything against him. Maybe the only thing I'm worried about him is whether he's going for a serious relationship and not coming to realise that it was better to stay as friends. Nonetheless, I think I'm happy for them despite being quite bitter about how I never really got an opportunity to do my part. Maybe I did get an opportunity but I threw it away. I honestly thought I could give a serious effort after the exams but it's a little late. I thought for once I could deliver a proper confession on this girl and that will move her. I thought we could spend more time together. I thought maybe there could be an us and we. I thought about many things. But, those thoughts and feelings are going unannounced and I don't think you've ever thought or felt that way. This time, it was just me having feelings and you've never noticed it. Time will pass and these flames will die leaving nothing more than ashes. 

This is the fourth-Terri Ke.

Love me

From today, I guess I should let her go for a while or completely. I don't think there's a room for me and right now I don't have room for commitment as well. I'm not saying I'm going to give up on her just yet, because my feelings for her is still quite intense. Instead, I should leave it at a ceasefire and do something about myself. I want to start to learn to love myself before I even start to like anyone else or continue to pursue her. For the time being, I should catch up with the old friends I've lost. She might be taken soon but what happens then is what happens.

The Teacher

What I fear the most is that my relationship is only one that exists between pupil and teacher. That kind of relationship is rather dangerous, because you get all source of attention and trust but they are just false alarms. You are trusted but not someone that she likes but more of a resource that's readily available to her. Why I say this? Because it was what happened between me and yiwen at first. Why am I making the same mistake? Because teaching and giving guidance happened to be only few things I'm good at. But, then this situation was different from before I guess. Before, I was thrusted myself at yiwen through offering my support. This time, I was helping her as a fellow peer, but then I fell in love. Reasons as to why I like her? Well I'll discuss about that in the next chapter. But right now, I just want to believe that we are not just a student  and a tutor, talking because of studies. I want to believe that we have something more to work on. And I want to believe that she feels something of this kind as well.

Writing

Learning to write with flair is pretty difficult. I no longer read nor do I spend time putting my own thoughts to paper. All I could do now is come up with a sea of ideas, but never have I really captured that scene on paper. One book has always inspired me to write. Well, two books to be exact. They are "The Sense of an Ending" by Julian Barnes and "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby. It isn't that they produce explosion of vibrant images, using stimulating imageries or stunning juxtaposition, but its about the chemistry these words have formed with me. The words appear simple, but they establish a connection where you really think the person in the novel is you. Maybe, it is because of the similarity between the main character and I, how we are both sexual failures, except I'm probably in a more utterly dire situation compared to them. But, I really like that resigned, contemplative mood the novelist creates. It really does draw out experience and reality. I also enjoy this feeling of being old and coming into the state where you are willing to accept all consequences and all past failures that are no longer amenable. It hints a calming death, a silent and peaceful one where the old man smiles because he has had more than enough of what he had asked for.

Desperate

It hasn't been long since we became quite close and now she began to rely on me in some way. However, she hasn't seen me as a candidate for a love yet. She is getting desperate and is considering to try to fall in love with someone she doesn't even like. It makes me more desperate because I know I finally have a chance with her. I know that this would be better than before and I know that she'll get hurt if she ends up with. But time is running against me. If I have some more time, if I could somehow drag this out, I'm sure she'll realise that her life could be better with me.

A new brand

There was this feeling I had when I liked Yiwen. People may see that feeling as something that resembles a tragedy. Well, it wasn't really a tragedy but I'm sure it was fit for top ten unrequited love in the Guinness Records. But let me explain that feeling.
It was a pain. It was a pain which reminds you about how lonely you are and how the world tries to reject any effort. It weighed heavily on your heart, you felt as if you were going to fall down into a abyss.
However, after that disappeared, I've realised how pleasant that sensation was. I wouldn't really say it feels pleasant. Losing it felt like losing a part of yourself and you began to appreciate how worthwhile that feeling is even though you got nothing out of it. Without it, you feel void, you feel even more hopeless, you feel as though you have lost all your sense of humanity.
Today, I rediscovered it and it felt great. I felt as though life itself is rushing through me. A new brand is lit within me and maybe i'll let it burn more ferocious than before.

Next step

Taking a step forward so I'm going to start a new blog. I'm going to name it Welcome to forever because we are always moving constantly moving forward towards future but we always want to live and enjoy some of the current moment forever. So come and have a look at

tomorrowforus.blogspot.com

Next step

Taking a step forward so I'm going to start a new blog. I'm going to name it Welcome to forever because we are always moving constantly moving forward towards future but we always want to live and enjoy some of the current moment forever. So come and have a look at

tomorrowforus.blogspot.com